NEW SEASONS

I couldn't even tally the number of hours I've spent in coffee shops over the duration of my educational career. Once that ended, and I landed my first law gig, I would sometimes head to a coffee shop to work on a brief. Most recently, I'd head to a coffee shop to hammer out some job applications. I sent M to the lake with the boys this weekend and headed downtown to the trendy "North Loop" part of Minneapolis to a new coffee shop for some pure, unadulterated ME time. 

No homework.

No work. 

No job applications. 

And here I find myself in this space again. The space being, this blog. I find that when I'm off kilter in certain areas of my life, I have the tendency to stall out in others. Two weeks ago, I started a new job. Without getting into the details- not because I'm a vague blogger, but because I'm a professional- it was both an easy and incredibly hard decision. I knew it needed to happen, but once the wheels were in motion, I was looking for the brakes. I recall a moment on my 2nd day of work at the new job having at total panic attack that I'd made the wrong decision. It's more unsettling for me to have unsettled feelings because usually when I make a decision, I commit to it- paint color, furniture. I'm not a waffler. 

The moment passed, and at the end of my second week, I feel confident that I can say I will really love this job. It's a 180 from what I was doing: practicing in state and federal courts across the country; to primarily Minnesota based, administrative law. Plaintiff's work; to defense. 6 attorneys; to 14 attorneys. It turns out, the things I thought I would like and would value fresh out of law school, are not the things I found myself loving. Maybe I'm not cut out for the stress and anticipation of 2+ week jury trials in federal court. Maybe I can't handle Plaintiff's work..not because I don't want to help people, but because I would carry their stress, their case, home with me. 

I have no idea if I'll find myself missing some of those things. I still have components of that type of civil litigation in what I'll be doing now- just on a smaller scale. 90 minute depositions instead of 7 hour marathons. 1-2 day trials instead of 1-2 weeks. But I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. Right here, right now, I'm feeling at peace and happy and excited about my decision. I miss my old coworkers terribly.. but the wonderful thing about the small legal community in MN is that everything circles back around, and I'm confident in the friendships we made. 

Totally unrelated thought, and I feel no shame in saying this either because it's so much more than cliche blog fodder for me, but I can't wait for fall. Summers in MN can run you ragged because everybody wants to do ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. It's fun, but my late August illness told me my body is so sleepy. I've always loved school, and I played tennis in the fall, so for me- fall always symbolized the start of a new year. 

So, chalk that up the most I'll probably ever write about work ever again on the blog.. but it needed to be said. With billable hours come less free time during the week to poke around on blogs or start a draft of my own.. but I'm hoping this season of "new" - new job, new season- will help me find balance and come back here more. 

A MILLION DIRECTIONS.

One thing I really pride myself in is possessing a level of self awareness, and the ability to pinpoint the source of my feelings.

For example, if I see something on Facebook or have an interaction with someone in real life and have a certain reaction, I almost always can identify, psychologically, the WHY behind that reaction. Sometimes it's as simple as, "I'm clearly hungry, this is making me crabby for dumb reasons." Sometimes it's deeper than that and it's, "this makes me jealous, they have all the means and access in the world and squander it." Am I mature enough to acknowledge outwardly when it is the jealousy? No, probably not. BUT at least I know, right?

Lately I've had this really unsettled, anxious, spazzy feeling deep in my gut and I'm having a hard time identifying why. What I do know is it usually surfaces when I'm thinking about one thing in particular. For a while now I've toyed with the idea of opening up some kind of a side gig. I know I feel my best mentally when I'm doing something creative that balances out the very UN creative (unless you count sassy motion writing...) aspects of my day-to-day career. I know what makes me happy, I know what I enjoy doing, but when I think of ways to actually turn it into a fluid business I get discouraged. One, because the idea of dumping money into something that may go nowhere gives me hives. I hate gambling because I like, no ..I need, to see a physical return on investment. I'd rather spend $20 on a t-shirt or happy hour than a slot machine.

The same can be said for putting any money at all, no matter how small the amount, into start-up costs for a venture. I enjoy working with wood (decor items- mason jars hanging on wood, signs), I enjoy watercolors, I absolutely love anything to do with weddings: I helped a friend with assembling flowers and reception decor at her wedding recently and had a blast. I'm a militant type-A who has contingencies for every possible flaw and can think on my feet unprecedentedly well. But then I start to think about the hassle of selling on etsy, especially for wood pieces- or getting an insanely high quality printer to duplicate watercolors, and taxes and whatnot and I get discouraged and stop.

I also think about redesigning my blog, and I mean REALLY redesigning professionally, and putting more time and energy into this as a source of income. But I really don't see the point of doing that without something to offer. There are enough bloggers who blog about blogging and get rich because of blogging about blogging to have turned me off to that entirely. I enjoy blogging for what it is: an outlet (for me at least).

Then I think about doing something more in the legal community to satisfy that itch. Volunteer more, especially in an area of law that's different than mine. I went to a seminar recently on updates to the areas of Domestic Violence as a part of a women's tea that my law school puts on. I was in a room with top thinkers in the field, who have traveled to other countries on fact finding missions, collecting research and advocating for change. It was one of those nights that energizes you and makes you want to do something. Again though I get so discouraged easily.. the time, the time my current job consumes, am I even being realistic?

This discouragement across the board leaves me feeling lazy and unmotivated. I don't feel like I'm that kind of person.. I mean, I survived 3 years of law school and studying 8 hours a day for a grueling 16 hour test- I have a drive in me.. but where did it go? Is it a fear of failure? I'll go ahead and acknowledge that plays a huge roll in it. And don't even get all cliche and tell me that all great things come when people get over that fear and leap- blah blah. I know that. It doesn't matter. I would rather launch a project on 100 strangers, let it get to a satisfactory level, before ever sharing it with family and friends. I'd feel okay if it were dubbed a proven success. I don't like doing something if I can't be proficient.* This could be why, to date, I've never shared my blog on my facebook page- or with any of my family. Initially it was because: blogs are weird, even weirder and sadder when you have like.. 3 followers. I don't mind mentioning it in casual conversation now, and have given it out to friends.. but only after feeling out that they don't think it's weird.  Of course this makes things exponentially more difficult for me when typically, especially for creative endeavors, your family and friends are your best first source for feedback and, in the case of selling thing, sales. But would people just buy out of pity? Would they just pay me lip service and not mean it? Are there already too many personal endeavors on Facebook that one of my own would just add to the noise? It already feels like everybody wants everybody else to buy something from them. Is there a need for more?

Maybe the answer is, at least with the creative/crafting stuff, to acknowledge that it's not about the money- and even breaking even would be OK as long as it permitted me an outlet to release that creative energy. Iiiiiii just don't know. I know that writing makes me feel a little better if for no other reason than it's no longer knocking around in my head. There may be other things contributing to my angst as well, including the amount of debt I have, whether we're going to stay in our house or move.. among other things that aren't suitable for internet discussion.

So, take it for what it's worth.




*this is also probably why in 9th grade, after funneling into high school, when I realized I wasn't the smartest at math I sort of gave up prospects of trying to be. There are few things I hate more than trying and failing. I'd rather be openly mediocre and have a quality of life (i.e. social life and time) than be the best. I suppose this is also a reflection of my grades in law school. Could I have done way better? Maybe. But did I value having a life, family, and friends more? Absolutely. I also will probably acknowledge it was easier for me to blame my grades on this theory than acknowledge that it's a real possibility that even if I tried my damndest, I may not have done better. Feel free to psychoanalyze that to the bank.  

THE B WORD.

This past weekend M and I sat down and had a conversation I'd never had before.
It wast he Budget conversation. Big fat capital B.

M and I have never been wild spenders, but we've also had the luxury of not really having to track what we spend too closely. We've been able to pay our bills, save, and have fun while we're at it. I understand how incredibly fortunate we've been.

Last year right before our wedding I had signed up for Income Based Repayment for my student loans. My payment was calculated based on my 2012 income- the bulk of which I was working only half time, while studying for the bar exam. My income was pretty itty bitty, and since M and I were not yet married, my payments were itty bitty as well.

I've had a reminder set that by the end of this month I needed to recalculate my IBR payments and resubmit them. I had been avoiding it in part because I knew it was going to skyrocket. I now made significantly more than when I first reported..and unfortunately (fortunately?) I got married to a man who is doing well in his career so I knew that number was going to go up. I plugged in some simple numbers for an "estimation" and was reduced to hysterics when I saw the number go up by approximately 500%.

This prompted a very serious conversation about our spending.
Like I said, we're not bad by any means, and both decently frugal all around.. but when it comes to dining out, there's significant room for improvement. I won't hesitate to order out lunch, even if I have a perfectly fine lunch in the fridge. M does the same. We both grab drinks, dinners, and happy hours with our friends without even a second thought and some nights will eat out just ourselves when we don't feel like cooking. Food is a huge part of my life, I LOVE trying new restaurants and have a list a mile long of must-visits. Unfortunately for the time being we've made a deal to rope that in and be way more intentional when we DO decide to dine out. We've set a budget for that, as well as reduced our "personal spending" fund that we had been pulling from our joint account.

We put everything into Mint.com and set estimated allowances for things like utilities, gas, groceries, etc., to see how we do month over month on that.

We also decided to cut cable.

Yep, we went there. Really I don't think it'll be too terribly hard for us since we have access to a LOT of "live streaming" accounts (Netflix, HBO Go, Amazon, Comcast streaming/Xfinity..whatever that one is-- and most are family that have let us use their log ins). We'll have basic TV, so really the only struggle for M will be sports. My cable watching basically consists of throwing on episodes of Big Bang Theory, or any of the Law & Orders in the background or to veg out to. I do love me some food network, but I can always get my fix at the gym if I need to (worst case scenario we can beg M's mom to come over and just lay on her couch and watch crap..haha).

I don't want to give the impression we're super hard up as a result of this increase in my loan payments. We will still have a good sized surplus left over every month (or we SHOULD, we'll see how our budget works!) but we wanted it to STAY that way for the foreseeable future.

We're also fortunate enough in that our only really "bad" debt is my student loans. M has a very small amount left, but mine induces hives. Ohhh law school, the gift that keeps on giving. I won't ever get into numbers on here.. because, well, this isn't a personal finance blog and it's personal to our family. We have 1 car lease and 1 car loan, but that will only last a few more years (knock on wood). We do have a mortgage but know our house has appreciated in value since we bought it so we don't look at that as "bad debt" in the same way we do my loan. We have zero credit card debt- although we both have credit cards- we treat them like debit cards and pay them down every month.. basically just using them to build credit and earn rewards points (we earn travel miles and hope to use them to take vacations in the future more economically).

We're definitely looking at this as a challenge and this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I struggle with balance though- I don't want to venture to either extreme and deprive myself of some of life's smaller indulgences. I realize it may come to that if we were ever that hard up but honestly, we could die tomorrow and I don't want to miss out on my 20s because I wanted to save literally every.single.penny. That's not living.

I feel like I should add as a footnote:
yes, we're still going to Italy in a few weeks and yes that's costing us some $$$ but that will be our last "exception" for a little while.

Basically what I'm wondering is, do any of you have any tips, tricks, good blogs, resources, on personal finance, budgeting, creative ways to save/make some money?

GUILT AND FEAR

My dad called the other night to ask me if I wanted to come over the following day to learn how to take care of his plants while he was gone.
I laughed and challenged him on the notion that watering plants was somehow a complicated task but more so understood it was an excuse to see me.
So when he finished telling me that his new "flower tower" actually DID require a tutorial and followed that sentiment up with, "I have some sad news about R.W." -- a name I'd come to learn in recent months since my dad's heart attack and my mom's passing- I wasn't prepared for his next statement.

Truth be told I'd only met him three times. The first, when he popped in after recess duty to say hi and offer condolences as we planned my mom's services in the conference room at the grade school. The second, at her funeral. The third was when he actually showed up to watch the Minnesota Gophers play in the NCAA championship hockey game. I say "actually" because my dad has this ridiculous quality about him where he throws out vague invitations, and unlike the intense type-A in me, never expects a firm RSVP. "You should stop by!" He says. So when M and I arrived that night to watch the game he told us there could be anywhere from zero additional people, to approximately 6. The game started and no one had showed up and my dad was a little disappointed.. the consummate host, he took it a little personally when people no-showed, despite having obtained no firm RSVP's. I still remember his excitement when he glanced outside and saw R.W.'s wife dropping him off with a bottle of whiskey and the note in his voice when he said "aww, it's R.W.!" R.W. was more quiet overall, but seemed comfortable and offered the odd commentary: he reminded me a lot of my dad.

So when my dad said "I have some sad news about R.W." my immediate thought was, "oh no, I bet he just got diagnosed with cancer." So I wasn't at all expecting to hear what he said next, "He had a massive heart attack and died last night. He and his wife were just biking and he fell over and they couldn't revive him."

My heart jumped into my throat because I understand all too well what separates a "he didn't make it" phone call from a "he's on his way to the hospital" phone call- the phone call I was lucky enough to receive last October: dumb. fucking. luck. That's it. I know it, my dad knows it, and that's why I heard all the things he didn't even have to say on the phone during that conversation, "that could have been me..that WAS me...why him...why not me..."-- and I know there are people reading this who live their lives every day knowing what it's like to be on the other side, the awful side, of that kind of luck. Thinking about that dumb luck paralyzes me, sometimes. That's because there are two great equalizers in life: guilt and fear.

I honestly didn't really even KNOW him, so I would hate for this to be construed as making it about me, but in some ways his death has me even more rattled than my mom's. I can picture him on the couch watching the game, hear his voice. It was SO recent. It seems both incredibly obvious and stupid to say this but the thing that shakes me most about death is that in the months, weeks, minutes before it happens - these people had no idea it was coming. I find myself mentally tracing back to that one second, that one decision, that could save them. This happens more notably for me when I hear of car accidents, someone steps off a corner and is struck and killed by a truck.. literally ONE SECOND could have saved their life. It seems as though we should be able to go back in time and fix it. It seems so fucking STUPID that such a blip on the radar in terms of time, can cost someone their life. The same can be said with things left to chance, as is often the case with a heart attack: the moment the blocked artery triggers cardiac arrest. What if it had happened at school? or any place with an AED?

I'm sure it's the oversaturation in the media but I find myself drawn to, and easily obsessed with, tragedy news stories. Shootings, car accidents, drownings,.. constantly cycling the "one second before/one second after" thoughts in my head. I know this is wholly unproductive and unhealthy, but it often has me wondering when (not IF, when) tragedy will strike me again personally. It feels like it's inevitable, and it terrifies me. Perhaps that's a sign I need to step away from the news..since some small logical part of my brain knows these are the exception, not the rule.

It's hard to find any deeper meaning for why my dad is here and R.W. isn't. I refuse to believe that was part of God's plan. I don't think God plans for anyone to die, or orchestrates it in any way. I do hope and pray that the fact that R.W. seemed to be a very devout catholic helps his family in the coming weeks and months. I'm sure this post sounds rambly and a touch self-centered at times but I'm not trying to make this about me. It naturally comes from my point of view as I process this but I really truly am devastated for his family, and my dad.. who has lost his wife and a friend who- from the sounds of it- he admired greatly, among some other scary family health news in the last few weeks.

There's no point to all of this, but I needed to put it out somewhere. Maybe I need to absolve myself of the guilt that it easily could have, should have probably, been my dad.

CHECKING IN

I wanted to check in.
First of all, thank you all so much for reaching out.. for the kind words. They're appreciated more than I can say.

I miss writing.
I miss it so much I ordered a journal that Sarah recommended.
I want to be able to be honest here, but there are things that I just don't want to memorialize on the big world wide web for anyone to stumble across.

That doesn't mean I won't talk about my mom on here, and how I'm doing, and that I'm having a sad day.. because that's all true, and I'm sure I'll talk about that. I don't want it to be all that I talk about, though, because it's..surprisingly enough.. NOT my entire world right now.

Outwardly I'm sure I look fine to people, and to be honest 75-80% of the time, I feel it too. That's because I refuse to let myself dwell on it for too long. Because if I admit to myself that I'm not sure she understood what was happening to her, that I believe she wasn't ready to go, and that she seemed scared: If I think about those things for even a second too long and I let myself go, I cease to function. The reality of the matter is, I'm an attorney, and I have to function. Everybody else is slowly moving on with their lives, and while nobody will forget about my mom... I need to start to move on, too.

I do let myself go to that place, sometimes.. because I know it's important to think through everything, to let myself feel these things, but I'm usually only comfortable doing that privately (or with Matt around, obviously). I've had some (what I've perceived as) incredibly irrational thoughts the last few weeks.. and in emailing with people who have also lost a parent.. I've come to realize they're actually not all that irrational.

I'm in this weird place with this blog. I don't want it to be the only thing I talk about (because it's not the only thing I think about) but I also feel fucked up writing about what I did this weekend, like nothing happened. There's guilt there, and I know nobody would think that about me, but it's still something I'm feeling. I also don't want to be that girl who only talks about her dead parent because that is heavy and sad. People are all heavy and sad with you in the immediate aftermath of something like this.. but they move on faster. There's nothing wrong with that, it wasn't their mom, and they can still feel sad for you, but they likely won't have the random waves of emotions, or still feel it as acutely, as I have been. For example, the other night Matt and I were driving home from somewhere. We'd had a great night out, I was fine all night- happy, laughing, having a good time- and I just burst into tears in the car. My thought process?: I was having a good night and my mom was dead and how was this all possible and that was really fucking sad. Matt looked over and in a very panicked voice asked "sweetie, what's wrong?!"... The tone in his voice told me he wasn't sure what the root cause of the tears was. I'm honestly not sure if it was in response to this car-cry or a different one (I do my best crying in the car) but I snapped, "my mom's dead. that's what's wrong."

I don't blame him for that, I understand he's never been with someone who has lost a parent, and he hasn't lost a parent (or another equally close relative) himself.. this is as new to him as it is to me. So when I burst into tears a few weeks from now, months, years.. I don't expect everybody to automatically associate it with my mom's death. Sometimes it won't be about that, but sometimes it will be.

I've come to find out that's totally normal. But, that's precisely why this just isn't the space for me to talk about some of the deeper, more personal things I'm feeling.

I'm not 100% sad, and I'm not 100% okay.
I also just have been really busy. Besides dealing with the aftermath of her death, the funeral and everything that entails, the case I'd had at work set to go to trial in 2 weeks absolutely exploded.. thankfully we've gotten a continuance but there's a lot to be done there, so that's been a source of anxiety. My family and I have signed up to do the M.S. walk, so I've been working on the website, getting donations, designing T-shirts, and will be planning a reception after the walk. I've agreed to host a bridal shower for Leah in April, so.. I've been brainstorming for that. And..due to some recurring car drama with M's Malibu, we've been shopping for (another) new car - - this time to lease. So, there's been carpooling, car shopping, and just in general a pain in the ass.

OH and did I mention I was supposed to be in Paris this past week? I cancelled the trip the morning my mother passed away not knowing her funeral (last Tuesday) would take place in time for me to have still gone (last Wednesay). Although with the work dramz, it's probably a good thing I was in town. So, I'm also in the early stages of planning a do-over trip with M to Italy late this summer, since I have to have my travel completed using the ticket credit by 9/24 (ironically- my mom's birthday).

That was disjointed and rambly, but I needed to say things. I'll be around. I'm getting an iphone this weekend most likely, so be on the lookout for higher quality cat photos on Instagram. (kellybea14).

STEWARDSHIP // ON BELIEVING IN THE CHURCH AGAIN

I was born and raised a Catholic.
I'm sure I've alluded to that fact now and again on this blog, most likely poking fun at some of the dogma that is stereotypical of the Catholic Church. The truth is I joke about it because I've had a hard time with it the last 5 years or so. Mostly, to be blunt, a result of the combination of the child-abuse scandal and the church's views on same sex marriage. It's easy to lose faith when there's so much hate, so many excuses, and so much intolerance.

If any one single thing has restored my faith in Faith itself, and in the church community- it's been my dad's heart attack. It's hard to not look at, and admire, someone with as much faith as he has. He's a man of quiet faith.. we never really talked about it outside of school and/or church, so I never realized how deeply held his beliefs were until later in life.

My dad works as a custodian at our church and the affiliated grade school, where I went. (I don't know why I feel the need to tell you this, likely because I'm proud and defensive of my dad: he was a fiber optical engineer at Qwest for 25 years and was let go in favor of a younger employee about 10 years ago- he jokingly calls this his retirement job). Our family has been a part of the church for as long as I can remember, but my dad has remained a more integral part of it with these younger generations since my brother and I have been gone, through his job.

I thought I knew all my dad's friends. I truly did. He doesn't lead a wild social life, he's pretty low key, so I thought I knew them all. I was wrong. The number of emails I've received from people asking to help, many of whom I don't recognize at all, is astounding. These are largely, mostly, church people.

The point of this specific post though... stewardship. My dad is a member of the church's Men's Club, and they reached out pretty early on to let me know if  we needed anything, to just ask. We haven't had as much work as we've had people asking, so a few of the guys asked about donating money. I was VERY hesitant to accept any, because truthfully his medical bills are covered by insurance for the most part, minus a decent sized deductible... and we think (and are in the process of finding out) he's got some decent disability pay, so he'll really be "ok" through all the time off he'll need. One of the officers reminded me though, and it's good to be reminded, sometimes people just really need to feel like they've helped. So, I set up one of those fundraiser websites for my dad, thinking it'd be nice if we could at least cover his deductible for him, if anything. Aside from emailing it to the Men's Club, and sending the link to a small chain of family on Facebook whom I'd been keeping updated on my dad, I haven't promoted it at all.

The email with the link went out to the Men's Club this morning,... a mere 7 hours ago. We're nearly halfway to our "goal", the deductible amount, already. I'm blown away. I don't know how to separate whether this is a testament to my dad, and what an incredible person he truly is, or a testament to our Catholic Church, and how much they support their own-- and knowing my dad I'm not sure they can be separated.

I do know that this has helped restore my faith. My faith in humanity, in people.. and in Faith itself.

THE BLACK LUNG

Yes, that's a zoolander reference, yes, I vehemently hate that movie.
It's just too fitting to not use.
Sunday night I felt it coming on.. a combination of that gunk that's been circulating in the metro area (and apparently has had 1/3 of M's place of employment of 400some people out this month) and probably sheer exhaustion from coordinating my dad's care and getting him home. Throw in there a semi-useless little brother (he doesn't read this, so I can say things like that) and I was out of commission HARD yesterday and 1/2 of today.

I had a way more ranty post drafted about the sibling issues but it's not even worth rehashing. Basically he's 23 and has had little to no responsibilities 90% of his life so now suddenly having to utilize foresight and make care plans for my dad if he wants to attend social function is this huge OMGALLTHESPAZES thing. He's just not equipped to manage many things at once. I kindly reminded him I was coughing up tar and trying to hold down a 40+ hour week job as a lawyer and oh yeah, coordinate ALL THE HELP by myself, and he told me "nevermind" and to "not worry about it" until we can meet up to reassess our schedules. Ugh.

That griping out of the way, I plan on publishing wedding posts now. I just felt like I should say something about my awkward absences and that I'd be posting photos again. Felt kind of weird not to.

So, there's that. :)

THE EXACT MOMENT YOU REALIZE THE PERSON YOU MARRIED IS A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU

It just happened.
Like, literally 30 seconds ago.

I mean, I had a sneaking suspicion all along this was the case but if any one moment in time confirmed it, it would be this one. I'm sure this isn't how Matt imagined being a "newlywed" would go.. nobody could foresee my healthy-as-a-horse dad having a heart attack less than a month after our wedding. But it happened. There's 2 ways you could choose to deal with that if you're Matt- be there for your spouse but eventually let your fatigue show, maybe complain a little or get short with your spouse (a.k.a. how I imagine I'd handle things).. or you can do what Matt actually has been doing.

Last night he drove to my parents with me at 7:30 while battling a wicked sore throat and a cold, and feeling like self-professed garbage, to clean out the fridge and set up my dad's room.

My moment happened today though.. He called me to let me know he's getting off work early to go to my parents, feeling worse than he did yesterday, in an impending snow storm, to hook up cable to my dad's room with my brother. He then said he'd wait for me to get off at 4:30 or so to unload and assemble a recliner we're loaning my dad, and then he offered to sit with my mom after all of that- so I can go to the hospital tonight to visit my dad for a little while.

He is more patient and more understanding and more compassionate than I could hope to be on my best day. Isn't that the type of person you're supposed to marry, anyway?

UPDATE

I wanted to start by saying thank you for all the thoughts and prayers and those of you who sent a message (I didn't mind :)). I appreciate it more than you know. Everybody always talks about how much family and friends pull together when things like this happen and you really can't understand it until you experience it- it's so overwhelming, in such a good way.

I had an earlier draft of this post written and then so much changed in the last few hours. That's always how it goes, isn't it? He's already heading home tomorrow .They said he's been doing really well, and I've noticed changes even in the last few times we've visited. He's more lucid, complaining less of pain, and is more mobile. (Updated to add: He's staying until Tuesday or Wednesday. He said he just wasn't feeling ready yet and the doctor either picked up on that and is letting him stay and also said he wasn't looking 100% (still gets dizzy and heat flashes when sitting up) so he'll still be under their watchful eye for a day or two more! Which he seemed relieved about, so that's good.

He's still really sore, obviously- but he's been saying mostly that the pain is from the cracked rib, not the giant incision down the center of his chest.. go figure. My original plan was to get the whole first month figured out but they're making it sound like he may not need 24 hours of care for the entire month, so instead we're taking it a few weeks at a time. So far we have the first two weeks covered- either my brother, Matt or I will be there with him at night, and my mom's PCA is there during the day. We've also got 2 and a half weeks worth of meals covered. We'll reassess then, see what he needs, and ask for more help if need be. I figured that was better than having 30 meals made and him being far more functional than we guessed. Of course people will drop by with meals, too, so... at least we're accounting for some of that.

I was pretty spazzy this morning about getting everything coordinated, mostly because everybody is looking to us for direction and when I'd tried to coordinate with my brother he was taking much more of a "calm down, it'll get figured out, we have some time" approach. When we heard he was coming home tomorrow he suddenly became much more amenable to talking out our schedule and coverage for the first 2 weeks.

The only frustrating aspect has been how quickly the conversation has changed from concern and deference to our family handling things and offering to help to this wave of questioning whether we are prepared, what kind of care he'll be getting, whether we've asked XYZ questions, etc. It's almost as if some people expected us to just roll him home, plop him down, and then wing it? or that there would be NO follow up from the hospital? I don't mind the concern, but the fact that their automatic reaction seems to trend towards "we don't trust you guys to handle this".... bothers me. I'm a functioning and capable adult, thanks.

So, that's where we're at. This was really word vomity. I may not resume wedding posts until I feel like we have the home situation taken care of, and some semblance of a schedule set. So.. sorry. Stay tuned?! Ha.

LUCKY

That's the word I've been heard thrown around more than I care to hear over the last 36 hours.

I struggle with how much to share, because I'm so not a facebook-prayer-requester kind of person. It's just not me. I don't mind telling people when I talk to them, but I'm not a broadcaster. That being said, I do want to explain my absence a little bit, and let you know I haven't decided how to continue with wedding posts, at least for the next few days, because responding to chipper emails about the wedding doesn't feel "right" right now.. although things are going better. I also want to document this for myself.

On Wednesday, October 30th (the morning of his 60th birthday, no less) my dad collapsed on the handball court at the YMCA, from what we later learned was a heart attack, triggered by some major blockages in his arteries, which then triggered cardiac arrest. They've also referred to it as "coronary arterial disease" (from what I recall). His friend who he was playing with performed CPR, clinically cracking a rib in the process (which means he did it right) until the Y staff located and used an AED on him. It worked, he was revived, and then taken to the hospital. They discovered 4 pretty serious blockages in his heart. Although he was stabilized they decided not to wait since he was otherwise healthy, and they performed quadruple bypass surgery on him yesterday afternoon. (Things I learned: "quadruple" sounds way scarier than plain ol' bypass, but it's actually no better or worse. Just signifies the number of bypasses they made). I was there all day yesterday, and this morning. He's already had his breathing tube removed, was standing a bit with assistance, and while he's in a decent amount of pain, is otherwise looking pretty damn great all things considered.

To say I've been a bit traumatized is an understatement. When you spend your whole life worrying about one parent (my mom) and then this happens to your "healthy parent" it's a very huge wake up call. This is a person who plays racquetball twice a week, and handball twice a week. He doesn't eat UBER healthy but he's also not at McDonald's every day. He's not overweight, not a diabetic, and not a smoker. They said this is largely genetic and has been building for a while.  

I really have been having a hard time putting into words how grateful I feel, mostly because it means articulating just how close it was. There were so. many. things. that, had they gone differently, I've been told I'd be planning a funeral instead of a month of meals and home care. I know that's supposed to make me feel better, how fortunate he was, but really it just freaks me the F out. Besides Matt, this is the single most important person on this PLANET to me. Yes, if you made me rank my family, I'd put my dad at the top. It's just the blunt truth. I don't love my mom and brother any less, but... he's just my dad.

So, thanks for your patience. I think I'm going to turn the comments off, just because I'll feel guilty not responding and things have been pretty busy. But I appreciate any thoughts or prayers you want to extend to him.

Kelly

CONTENT

So, this week has been a little crazy, and while I do have a honeymoon post AND a rehearsal dinner post drafted (who am I?) I want to hold off to start until next week. Fridays are notoriously slow, and I figured why not keep it in the same calendar week, eh? I'm also sorta kinda hoping we'll get our photos back in the interim. I don't want to start those posts and then have a gap while I wait for photos.

This week has also just been crazy adjusting to the real world. Trying to do laundry, unpacking from Mexico, finding time to sort through the giant tupperware of wedding gifts we opened Sunday, getting new banking information set up.. OH and if all that didn't sound like it'd keep our hands full, we bought a new car Wednesday night.

Behold, (Woooahhhh) Black Betty: 

You can only sort of see her back there but she's a Mazda CX5. Shockingly great gas mileage for a small SUV, better than the other car we have actually (a Malibu). We've said that the car will be 50/50 but M wants me to drive it to work. We'll see. I have a lot of guilt over this since it was kind of his brain child- he researched, he compared, he worked out all the financing. But I guess that's sorta what marriage is about, isn't it?

SO, between all that, I've been a little loopy. I did something with the hashtag of our wedding photos, and I'm excited to share that! I got them printed on prinstagram, and they're en route as we speak!

I was driving home last night and thinking how lucky I have it. M and I are able to buy a brand new car, have a house, and still live a good comfortable lifestyle. Some people own zero cars, let alone a newer used one.. and we were able to do this for ourselves. Don't get me wrong, we're not rolling in it- and this is the first NEW new car for either of us. ever. So it's still a big deal to us. But I just love thinking about how far I, we, have come.

There are times where I wait for the other shoe to drop. My life seems a little TOO good. To me. I don't say this to brag, but to acknowledge that I am so unbelievably content. With the exception of the strenuous job hunt at times, I'm fortunate to be at a great firm right now. They're in transition but the people are good and I've been getting some fantastic opportunities. I'm excited to see where I go from here.

Anyway, that's enough mush for today.
M and I have a wedding tomorrow- our first one as a married couple! I wouldn't trade our day for the entire world but it'll be kind of nice to just be able to sit back, relax, and soak it all in.. as we remember our own day.

Hope you guys have a good weekend! I'll be back Monday with a weekend recap (I hope), and then hope to kick off some wedding recaps. Wee!

Gratitude

More often then I'd care to admit, I've found myself getting swept up in negative thinking this week. Whether it's complaining about work, how busy I feel like I am, family, friends, you name it.
In an effort to put some more good ju ju back in the universe, I just want to take a second to talk about how grateful I am.

I'm grateful for M's family. More specifically in this moment: for a mother in law who has been NOTHING but welcoming, supportive, and loving. Heck, she says "I love you" more than my own family, sometimes.

I'm grateful that I'm looking for a job as an attorney. Even though it's been a long, sometimes emotional, process... it means that I am an attorney. Something I worked so hard to get to be able to say. I'll get there, soon.

I'm grateful that even though I'm not acting as an attorney with a law firm, I'm able to do pro bono work.. even if I'm stressed out about it, and have my first hearing on Monday. It means I'm in a position to help someone who seems genuinely thankful for my help.

I'm grateful that I'm busy after work. It means that I have a lot of people who actually want to spend time with me. I'm grateful that this week it's been a mix of friends, family, and strangers (photography class..well, and Jess. :) )

I'm grateful that I'm in a position, financially, to be able to surprise my dad with this office redo. While I'm not quite sure how on earth I'm going to fit it all in, along with preparing for the hearing Monday (meep!), and some social commitments this weekend, I know that his reaction will totally be worth it. [Besides, I have all day Sunday, and Monday/Tuesday after work, too.]

And even though it's been cloudy, chilly, and muggy...and rarely just sunny and warm outside...I'm grateful it's done snowing. :-).

I'm grateful to come home every day, to a tiny little ball of fur who greets me with SUCH enthusiasm that my heart can't help but burst: he purrs SO. HARD. he squeaks, and sometimes coughs, and nuzzles the crap out of me. It's without a doubt one of the highlights of my day.

Woo-sa.

Tonight M's sisters and I are surprising his mom with a shopping trip (for her mother-of-the-groom dress) for her birthday, followed by dinner..where her husband, M, and M's sister's boyfriend will be joining us.

If a blogger falls in the woods...

you get what I'm saying...? No?

If a blogger ceases to post, unexplicably, for a short period of time nobody probably cares about bit, do people forget about her? Negatory.

Guys, I haz a buzy. Sorta.
Monday was HH.
Tuesday was camera class (still need to chat with jess about putting together some kind of feature).
tonight I'm going home and going to RELAX TO THE MAX because this weekend is about to run me ragged.
Tomorrow is dinner with a former-very-good-friend turned someone I hadn't spoken to in nearly 3 years, which I'm looking forward to.
Friday is the first part of our religious marital education.. (which I'm just going to decline to comment on because I'm sure to piss people off), followed by a friend's birthday get together after for a bit, followed by TEN HOURS OF MARRIAGE RETREAT on Saturday. DEATH. Hot, sticky death, followed by another family graduation obligation followed by actual graduation, followed by Monday in which I longingly weep for Memorial Day weekend (OMG is that this soon?) because I have NO PLANS, NONE AT ALL.

Did that sound like complaining? It's not. It's just delerium carefully masquerading as complaining. Don't be fooled.

Anyway, mostly I'm just popping in to say HAI, and to remind myself that, I WILL BE BACK. I have a few posts in the hopper, still have to upload mother's day pics (I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME. of the fam. including my mom and I :). Embarassed to admit that was our first photo since 2010. O_O. yeeeaaa you read that right. But hey, A for Effort! annnddd I have a few smaller wedding projects I could post about. I suppose. I know it's 5 months out but I'm starting to feel a little spazzy and like I should do ALL THE THINGS, RIGHT NOW. I really want the last few weeks leading up to it to be 100% exempt from any and all projects, etc.

So that's it. Hi! how are you all?
OH and I've totally been reading blogs but mostly try to devour them quickly on my phone this week and have been lackluster at commenting. Woopsy.

finding joy.

TGIF, people.
Maybe not for those of you who woke up to snow yesterday. On May 2nd. That was.....sweet.
Thankfully, my city was spared. Wee! and word on the street is, 70s are returning next week. So there's that.

In the days after I wrote the most emo post ever, I've been trying to do things to bust the funk. Of course, the 70+ degree weekend we had last weekend helped. But, I've decided to put in an effort to find some things that I have a bit more control of. Often I find myself reading blogs in which the blogger describes little "traditions" they have with their spouse, and I find myself smiling thinking "that's nice" and not doing anything about it. I talked a bit about M and I's "brunch date" we have going now, but I also recently suggested to him something I've wanted to do for a while.

Every night (or every night that M doesn't pass out at 9 p.m. on the couch which is sadly, quite often) we head upstairs and read a book together. As in, M reads a few pages out loud on his tablet, and then I read a few pages. Right now we're reading:

I had read Gone Girl a few months ago (and was pissed at the ending) but I heard this book was much better. It's not "chicky" so when M read the synopsis, he said it was something he could get into as well. I'm liking it so far. I think we're on Chapter 5. I also like crawling into bed at night, and instead of each of us browsing our phones (like we used to do/sometimes do when it's too late to read), we do something together.

In addition, despite my "meh" job outlook-- which has inadvertently turned me into a penny pincher- I suddenly have been REALLY GOOD at eating what I brought for lunch every day -- I pulled the trigger on a "me" expense I had been thinking about doing since November.

Yep.
For the next 5 Tuesday's, I'll be sitting in class. As a recovering law student I'm both amused and not surprised at this. I never hated school. I just hated being tested. So "fun" classes still have their appeal!

It seems like people with a DSLR (who go onto become photographers, or just take good photos) wear the "I never took a class, I learned on my own" mantra as a badge of honor. There's nothing wrong with that, but the stubborn person in me was all, "psh, if they can learn on their own so can I!" ... that's not really my problem though. My problem is that I never actually use my down time to teach myself said photography skills.

I'm pretty excited. If nothing else to have a set 2 hours a week to devote to something artistic. For someone who may appear super left-brained.. I'd die inside without a little creativity in my life.

SO despite the fact that I have no job news, things are looking up. Or rather, my mood about things is looking up :)

M was supposed to have a golf trip this weekend but, what with the copious amounts of snow, that got cancelled. SO we now have a weekend at home, with nothing on the calendar. Hoping to make it a good one! :)

feeling funk-y (not the good kind, either)

and unfortunately this goes far deeper than "writer's block."

I don't know what my deal is, but lately I've felt "off"... large and in part due to my job situation (or lack thereof) but I've felt it trickling into other areas of my life.

I haven't talked about it on here because, well, I don't particularly enjoy admitting to failure, and also because there really isn't much to report. I've been clerking at a law firm for 2 years now, but unfortunately (and I understand why) they don't have a permanent position for me as an associate at the moment. I've come to terms with that. The rumor mill has churned up some news, however, that my indefinite term here until I find something else couuullddddd become...definite. as in, see ya! This has not been confirmed but it has sent me into a twee bit of a panic.

I've been applying to other jobs for a long time, had in the neighborhood of 6 interviews, and nothing has panned out. #womp. This of course makes me think that I am the world's most awkward interviewer, which of course makes me more awkward at said interviews. This despondent cycle has crept into my brain and laid the, "do I really want to be a lawyer" seed. Yeah, I went there. The girl who wrote that "I won't ever tell someone not to go to law school" post less than 3 months ago. I think 85% of it has to do with the job search and my current state of affairs. I'm just feeling burnt out...and although I'm working in the legal field, I'm not exactly working in the capacity that one who is a licensed attorney (who wants to practice) should be. It's been hard for me to stay passionate about something when it feels like I've been "out of the loop" for a while now. It's also hard to watch classmates get jobs practicing... which leaves me feeling stale in terms of my experience and talents. It's been hard to get myself excited, about anything. It has me feeling lazy in other areas. I just lack motivation as a whole: laundry sits to be folded, house is messy, half finished wedding projects,... as much as I want a new job, I've found myself feeling too lazy to write a cover letter. Which is asanine, even I realize that.

Then, in particularly low moments, I start to wonder why I even went to law school. I feel like I'm not good at what I'm doing, and I start to daydream about how much better a creative industry would be. How I could have probably been just as happy in a different career with significantly less debt. Don't get me wrong, I love the law.. but I'm not going to pretend it's the only thing that would have fulfilled me in life. And in this moment, of semi-joblessness and minimal prospects? The trade off I made doesn't seem worth it. I fantasize about going to work for a wedding company where I get to craft, and look at beautiful photos all day. As much as I firmly believe not everybody who owns a DSLR is a professional photographer, a teensy tiny part of me would LOVE to quit my job and just take and edit photos.

Unfortunately wanting something bad enough, but being too lazy to do anything about it, won't get me very far. So, here's hoping with the warmer weather, I snap out of this funk. A new job wouldn't hurt either.

I'm not really looking for "you can do it!" comments. Seriously. I just... wanted to write it out. Maybe putting it out in the universe, admitting it, will bring me some better ju ju... and give me the motivation to really hit the job hunt hard. Or finally give me the balls take a pro-bono case with an organization I said I'd volunteer with (hi, too chicken to take a case for fear of looking stupid, not knowing what I'm doing, and disappointing these victims [it's a domestic violence org. who represents victims seeking orders for protection against their abuser] because they think they're getting a free experienced lawyer to help them and then this baby-faced idiot shows up.) --> I've never claimed to be rational.

On why I'm not good at being a girl: an (embarrassing?) confess-sesh

In my 26 years of being a girl, I've had my moments of feeling like I'm "doing it wrong." as they say.
There are certain things that I'm familiar with, I hear people use the phrases, but in application I am 100% clueless. Most of these have to do with beauty related items.

Maybe you guys can laugh at me, maybe I can get some honest to god answers, either way.. here we go.

1. Dry shampoo
I always heard girls talking about this stuff, and it confused me.
Shampoo is wet. Is this a wet substance you apply when your hair is dry? How does that make it NOT greasy? It sounds like it'd make it greasIER? Then one day, someone told me it comes out like a hairspray. OH! Okay. (This was after I confessed to someone that when my hair was bad I'd dump baby powder on my head and one day I didn't rub it in well enough and looked like I had a granny-patch RIGHT on the top-o-my-head until lunch, when I noticed it in the pop machine. womp.) I was informed dry shampoo is JUST LIKE baby powder, only less shameful and less actual powdery. Grandma hair is no more, and now I feel like my unshowered hair is more "trendy" and less "gross."

2. "____-Day hair!" (insert any number. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.)
Okay, so, this goes hand in hand with my dry shampoo quandry. I hear people say "this is 3rd day hair!" buuuuttt then I read THIS post Raven did, which she talked about taking showers and blasting hair with a blow dryer quick but still it was 6th day hair? So... does this mean when you guys say 2nd day hair, you still like.. get in the shower and get it wet and shit, you just don't put any shampoo on it, but then you still have to style it? This is where you lose me, and I may lose you (because maybe this is disgusting, I'm not sure)... when I say 2nd day hair, I mean no part of my body has seen the inside of a shower since yesterday. Am I doing it wrong? Isn't 2nd, 3rd, 4th day hair awesome because you didn't have to style it again? OR do some of you not get it wet but still take showers? (Do you then wear a shower cap in the shower?) I have long hair (duh) and on days I don't scrunch it and diffuse it (and wear it naturally curly) it is a royal pain in my ass to dry it all, and then style it. So when I rock 2nd day hair, it's so I can avoid all that styling B.S... and in rare moments of awesomeness, if you see me the 3rd day with a ponytail, it's because I still have not showered. I just generously apply deodorant and roll out. Is this gross? I'm honest to god not trying to be all "look at me I'm so cool and alternative" I'm just not sure what's going on, people.

3. Eyeliner- specifically lower lash liner.
Guys, this one was real tricky for a real long time. I never used to line my lower lash (mostly because I didn't understand how the F to do it) and if I did, I reserved it for fancier nights out. I then realized my eyes photograph better when lined on both sides (who knew!?) I then realized at a Mary Kay party once, that I was doing it all wrong. You see, I used to line this part:

(I've highlighted it for you with some super awesome faux-80s blue liner, for effect)

Uhhh, nobody freakin' told me that's not the right part. I always wondered how peoples' eyeliner stayed on all day because that part of your eyelid is like, super moist (sorry, I know) and it would always just get wet and rub off when I blinked. Then, in a revelation, I discovered people just kind of drew it on right OVER the spot where the lower lashes come out, so it was like a harder version of connect-the-dots. I still feel like it goes on spotty and I look like a crack head, but significantly less than before!

4. Primer, tinted moisturizer, bronzer, concealer, cover-up
If you held a gun to my head and told me I needed to recite what each one was supposed to do, or asked me whether they were different, I'd be dead. Honestly. Throw in the fact that some of them can appear in liquid form OR powder form and all bets are off. I was blessed with pretty good skin, so I've never had an overwhelming need to use anything like this. Not to mention an overwhelming fear of winding up like "that girl from high school" with the orange face and definitive line between her jawline and neck (YOU know who I'm talkin' about). I am sure I could benefit from an overall even appearance that these products usually give women, but that'd require me to wake up more than 20 minutes before I left the house. I've been known to put on a random .... concealer? bronzer? I am not sure which one it is, that I found in a drawer before a night out on the town. That's usually the only time I'll attempt some of the "harder" makeup stuff (read: normal for everyone else, but shit I can't seem to get a grasp on).

5. I'm just going to say it: bikini lines.
Maybe this makes me a weirdo or maybe this is TMI, but I glance around at the beach. I see all you tanned toned bitches with your perfect bikini lines. Does everybody on the planet wax? Or was I just not taught to shave properly? or is there some magic razor you all are buying? Because.. I just can't. gah.


I'm sure there will be a part 2 to this at some point because, well, I'm just not that great at being a girl sometimes.

happy humpday, people.

Blogaversary

Wow, you guys. 

Thank you SO much for all the kind words on yesterday's post. 

I had today's post (below) drafted and scheduled and then realized that with the stark contrast of the topics, it'd be an awkward transition if I didn't at least address the response to yesterday's post. (blogging- ah iz lernin.) 

I want to say a few more things. 

First, I obviously knew this, but your sweet comments reminded me: sick or healthy, everybody has VERY complex relationships with their parents and other family members. I appreciate so many of you sharing such personal details about your families. It's always nice to have people to identify with. 

Second, I hope (and I don't think it did? but who knows) my post didn't come off in some weird tone of sickness-competitiveness. I don't think M.S. is 'worse' than cancer, by any means.. just that, not many people are familiar with it, so it can feel more isolating at times. They're not sure how to ask about it. If that makes sense. Or what types of things they should even be asking about, if at all.

Not that I didn't know these things, and not like anybody's comments made me feel bad or anything, but I wanted to put it out there, regardless.

 

(via)

Onto perkier topics! 

One year ago today I finally decided to cut the crap, and just start a blog.
I was always waiting for the right time, obsessed about a "niche" and direction for my writing, saying that once we got engaged.. I'd start a blog. After I finished law school, I'd start a blog. Finally one day, after reading dozens of blogs for years, I decided there was no better time then the present, so I actually.. started a blog. THIS blog, that you are reading at this very moment. 
It's my blogaversary!

Tell me I'm not the only one who has an aversion to working the word "blog" into seemingly innocuous nouns, verbs, or adjectives?
It sort of makes me cringe, and yet, what else do you call the anniversary of your blog BESIDES your blogaversary? I just can't NOT, you guys.

Anyyyywayyy, I just wanted to say thank you for following along.
Thank you for leaving SUCH sweet and insightful comments on posts like yesterday's.
Thank you for telling me my latest DIY is adorable (seriously ego-boost, ya'll are too kind).
Thank you for telling me my outfits are cute, sometimes (it makes this oft-insecure-curly-haired-girl feel really good about myself, which is nice)

I'm feeling more comfortable with this space, with my routine, and with my voice. I've really come to love drafting posts, editing photos, and getting such fantastic comments from you guys. I'm content. I guess the same can be said about my life in general, lately. So thank you, for reading about my (boring?) life and growing along with me.

As a thank you, and because I got my tax return back last week, (but seriously) I want to host my first ever little giveaway! I don't have anything purchased yet, (I think that will largely depend on who wins! tailor-made, yo) but I'm going to put together a little package. Think: statement necklace, earrings, a pretty scarf...something along those lines. :)

All you have to do to enter is follow my blog (I assume if you're reading..you're following? maybe I'm wrong) and leave a comment. Just one from each of you, please! Mayyybbeee, hmm, tell me what you'd like to see more of on the blog, what are you favorite types of posts? random ramblings? wedding posts? Or what you've enjoyed about past posts? Or just say hi! (lookin' at you, lurkers.) I'll use that random number generator thing to pick a winner. (Once I google it and figure out how to use it.)

Awww hell, bonus entry: email me a LOLcat meme photo. No, I'm not joking. aannnnddd leave a comment telling me you've done so, so I am sure to count you.
What's an LOLcat photo? (the normal people, ask). Here's an example:

I'll go shopping this weekend and pick a winner on monday/simultaneously reveal what you're gettin'

annnndd GO!

On family dynamics.

This is my family on Easter in 2010. 
It may surprise you to learn that my mom has M.S.
This is probably because I've only mentioned it once really, in passing, early on. Twice if you include this emo ramble, as well.
Also, I sadly realized (in writing this post) I don't think I've ever even posted a photo of her on here. Daughter-of-the-year right here. 

I wanted to write a more thorough post about it, and her, for posterity. So I don't look back on my life and regret editing my mom out of it before she was even gone. I use this turn of phrase because I find myself saying things (and writing things in blog posts) like, "we went to my dad's house," which, I realize to those of you who may be new readers or who never delved back into the archives, makes it sound like I don't have a mom or that my parents are divorced. 

She's been on my mind more and more lately.. and I'd be lying if I said my wedding doesn't have something to do with it. I'm just going to say it:

It gives me anxiety that on my wedding day, people who have never met my parents will look at my family and pity us. (and yes, I hate that I even think this.)

Don't mistake my anxiety for being ashamed or embarrassed of her. I'm just protective of my family. My personal life. It makes me anxious to put it all on display.  

It's not that I obsess over the thought, but when it pops into my mind, I start to sweat a little. 
Obviously both sides of my family know the current state of my mom's condition, and I think most of my friends and M's friends know, but not everyone has met her. All it takes is a 'look' and I'm suddenly reminded who knows, and who doesn't know.

The same few questions have always been a consistent part of my life:
"How's school?"  (up until law school graduation)
"How's the guy?" (the guy, up until M obviously) ... and then, I know what's coming. Their head softly tilts to the left, their eyes soften, and they ask:
"How's your mom doing?" 

I have always found this question kind of strange and hard to answer.
Well, she has an incurable degenerative disease. So. She's not doing so great?
On the other hand, considering she's had it for over half her life, the better part of 25 years, she's doing pretty good? In terms of the speed of its progression.
I also have to gauge how much of the truth they want. People want to feel good about asking, and maybe they're being sincere, but I've found people prefer a thinly veiled version of the truth. They don't want to hear about bed sores and colostomy bags.

The photo above if a bit misleading, as well. It's is nearly 3 years old. Things have changed since then. My mom can no longer really hold her head up on her own, and she has a PCA that stays with her at our house during the day while my dad works who feeds her and keeps her company. Her memory isn't that great, and she doesn't talk a whole lot. When she does, she sometimes repeats herself or doesn't  make sense. She also brings up the past a lot- often asking if I still have my childhood stuffed bunny (I do.) and things of that nature. It's tough for her to keep up with and really be aware of current happenings, both in the world and in our families, so she falls back on the past. A hospital bed, deemed better for her bed sores, has replaced the twin bed she slept in. Mostly, she lays on a special mattress pad on the couch and watches TV.

It's a part of my life, I don't feel sad about it because it's all I've ever known. What I've struggled with lately is our relationship. I read a handful of blogs written by girls who have lost a parent to illness. I feel like an ungrateful brat 60% of the time because my mother is still here, and I don't have a great relationship with her, nor do I feel like I handle her illness the best I could. I'm not out there raising money for M.S. (because I feel like I'm not a good poster-child as an advocate) or doing the M.S. 150. More than anything, I fear looking back on our relationship with regret. I know this sounds ridiculous because she's still alive and there's plenty I can do to change that, but only to a degree. I can't really have meaningful  conversations with her anymore... isn't that how you create a bond in a relationship? Communicating?

(at a wedding in April, 2010)

 

You may wonder why I hadn't cultivated a relationship with her prior to the degeneration of her mind. Growing up, my mom was always the "cool" mom. The one who would pile 5 of the neighborhood kids into the back of my dad's covered pickup truck and drive us to McDonald's so we could play in the play place. She'd make Target trips during the day while we were at school and buy us the new Backstreet Boys CD.  Our yard, perfectly flat and level, was always the center of neighborhood games of Black Bear or Red Rover, and my mom always called a time-out for freezees. There were always heaps of freezees or other ice cream treats in our freezer (as well as fruit roll-ups, dunkaroos, fruit by the foot, gushers.. etc in our cupboards. No, I did not eat healthy as a child). I could use no other adjective other than "idyllic" to describe growing up in my neighborhood, and with my mom. I don't want anything I say here to be misconstrued, I love my mom. I always have. That being said, I have always truly been a daddy's girl.

There was a turning point in my relationship with my mom. I vividly recall the day it happened. I was 14. I'm not going to get into details, (I know, I know.. I always eye-roll bloggers who give you a snippit and then don't share the details. "why even mention it at all!?" I think. I mention it because I feel like I need to make note of it in this unofficial record, to justify to myself what happened.. to alleviate some of the guilt I feel as an adult for the shift in our relationship. Because there WAS a reason at the time), but it was from that point that I began to see her differently. I felt like from that point, I took on more of a "parental" role in our relationship. It changed the way I looked at her: based on decisions she made and people she associated with. It was the first time anything had jaded that "parental" image I had of my parents. You know, the one where they know best and the decisions they make are infallible because they're your parents and they just have to be doing the right thing. I lost respect for her. I flat out started to resent her for a period (I wouldn't say I feel that way anymore). Through all of this, I grew closer to my dad. (I realize re-reading that paragraph it certainly sounds like there was some sort of infidelity, which is definitely not the case, and while I still don't want to get into details I want to make it abundantly clear it was not that.)

I wouldn't have classified our relationship as outwardly "strained" at this point, but while most young girls are forming a bond with their mother... doing things like shopping, dining out, confiding in them; I was not. I'd say it was a combination of my mom's inability to physically do these things, and the aforementioned "turning point" that culminated to cement our not-closeness. With the exception of a few screaming matches (like any normal teenager), we were never outrightly rude to each other. I was (usually) well mannered and polite with her. We just were never exceptionally close. We'd spend time watching TV at night, chatting, but it was all pretty superficial. I have some friends that told their mothers evverryyythinggg, including the nitty gritty regarding boys. That just wasn't my mom and I.

I went off to college for 4 years (2 hour away from home), and came home in the fall of 2009 to begin law school. I lived at home the first 2 years, but my intense schedule and hours kept me physically out of the house a lot. This might be me making excuses, but that, coupled with the fact that I was 23 and now living at home again did not lend itself to a great relationship with either parent. Once again, things weren't bad, but there were daily quips about whether my mom "needed to watch Wheel of Fortune everyyyyy day at 6:30 NO QUESTIONS ASKED" (which just fueled a deep seeded hatred for Pat Sajak). It was a lot like it was back in high school. Lots of sitting in front of the TV, no talking. She had reached a point by then though where, as previously mentioned, we really couldn't hold a substantive conversation due to her memory/speech issues.

I live with M now, obviously, and while I get over to see my parents quite a bit, I only really do so when my dad is home (vs. at racketball, or working). I struggle with taking the initiative to go over there when my dad's not there, because all it would entail with just my mom is me watching TV with her in silence. I'll admit I haven't always been the most patient with her. When I ask her questions and she repeats herself or spits back something that doesn't make sense, I quit trying. I'm not rude about it, but when they don't retain what you're telling them, or you're not sure what they will retain, it's hard to find things to talk about. Also, lady loves herself some naps. I've been over there and will ask her something only to look over and see she's passed out cold mid-conversation. I need to be better about making time to just go sit with her, because I know she appreciates just having someone there who is not her PCA.
 
I don't really know how to wrap this up. Which is fitting because I never know how to talk about my mom. As I mentioned, I feel like I don't handle it well. I love her. I really do. It's just a strange situation. I say strange because I know plenty of people my age who either have perfectly healthy parents, or parents who have cancer or similar illnesses. I know all cancers are very different, and some people battle it for years, but the symptoms are so wildly different from M.S. I have nobody to really relate to when it comes to what she's gone through. And the 2 or 3 times I've heard of people my age who have a relative my mom's age with M.S., the stages of M.S. are still so wildly different. We have a family friend who is 10 years older than my mom and still walking with a cane. That's the thing about M.S., and why it's so awful: it impacts people of different ages, at different paces, and with vastly different symptoms. There's not a lot of treatment available, and the treatment that is available is just to slow its progression (that is if it actually works). At times it feels a bit like I'm talking to someone with alzheimers. Memory loss is a common symptom associated with M.S., and while it's not nearly as bad, it's the best comparison I have. I'm not sure what she'll remember, and she's sure to ask the same question a few times over (Like when we're getting married. If I've bought my dress yet, etc.).

I guess I don't really have a point to this post, other than to put it out there. To maybe explain to others and to keep a record for myself. Family is a funny thing, and we always seem to know what to do, or how we'd handle situations when analyzing someone else's family, but our own families are a differnet beast all together.

Next up in this depressing series: Daddy Issues: An oldest/only daughter's constant desire for approval. (just kidding. sort of. I didn't know how else to end it, so why not a wildly inappropriate joke?!)

On why I will never tell someone NOT to go to law school

Well, at least one of you expressed some interest in my passing mention of a post titled,

"why I would never tell someone not to go to law school." 

So, here it is. If you have no interest in the law and are not considering law school, I apologize in advance. (editor's note: I'm feeling sassy today, for whatever reason, so if this comes off in such a tone, well, there's your warning.)

All it takes is a quick google search using the key phrases "don't go to law school" to turn up dozens of articles riddled with reasons why law school is a bad idea.

The first time someone told me "don't do it" (that sufficiently traumatized me), I was a 21 year old college junior preparing to take the LSAT (law school admissions test), and drafting personal statements to accompany my applications. They told me the job market sucks, the debt isn't worth it, and you'll hate your life. This coming from a new associate at the firm I was working at who did, in fact, hate his life. This meme continued throughout law school itself- my first year often coming from "upperclassmen" (2Ls and 3Ls). I'll be brutally honest, it down right pissed me off. Here I am, only a YEAR behind these people, and they're basically saying,
a) I'm more seasoned than you are, I understand the way this works, you don't, and
b) I know I'm going to graduate law school and look for a job in a career I will enjoy, but I'm quite smugly telling you NOT to.

Right.

Here are my own thoughts on the common refrains heard regarding this topic and some advice of my own:

1) It costs a lot of money. Um, duh? I'm not really sure who goes to law school and applies for financial aid that doesn't understand this. My advice/if I could do it differently? Well, for starters do better in undergrad and try to score some scholarships! (I will say, a lot of schools make it REALLY hard/downright impossible to maintain these, but even a year break would've been nice!) I was lucky enough to work/live at home for a while during school, so I took out very minimal living expenses. If you can- try to keep those low. Also? If you are in a position to make payments during school: DO IT. It's nice to stick your head in the sand for 3-4 years (which is what I did) but when you see your first payments and realize how much is interest you die a little inside. Just make sure you research it thoroughly and structure it wisely and be braced for that first repayment bill. There's income based repayment, in addition, if you find yourself strapped for cash or without a job after graduating.

2) The job market is over saturated/crappy/impossible (whatever). Again, duh? This is the case for many professions and law is no exception. Here are my thoughts:

• This partially depends on what jobs you're willing to accept when you graduate. If you're dead set on being a criminal defense attorney, yeah, you're going to have a harder time finding a job. If you're willing to accept a variety of practice areas, there is naturally going to be more opportunity. Even still, there are plenty of ways to better your chances at such a specialized field of practice while in law school: volunteer, participate in clinics, network in the field, etc. AND, although it's an expensive graduate degree and an MBA may have been more affordable, JD's serve people well in the business world as well if you're willing to not limit yourself to just practicing law. Being educated is never a bad thing.  
• If you keep at it, and keep involved in the legal community, you will eventually find a job. I graduated in May of 2012, took the bar July 2012, and was sworn in October 2012. I have been lucky enough to get to stay at the firm have been clerking at since Summer 2011 while I look for something else (since they've indicated they likely won't be able to hire me on as an associate. I am ETERNALLY grateful for this). If it means taking a non-legal job to pay the bills, so be it. If you're scared it means you'll get out of practice, there are TONS of volunteer legal services in the twin cities (and I'm sure in your area as well, if you're not from MN) that will keep your resume current and keep you in practice while you support yourself. Taking a non-legal job is not admitting defeat. It's just buying yourself some time.
• I fully intend on practicing law and having a career for the next 35-40 years. So what, I should forgo a 40 year career doing something I enjoy because it might be hard to break into it for a year or two? As this NYT article that M's step-dad sent me SO brilliantly put into words everything I feel, the focus on the stress of a "first job" is misplaced, since law school sets you up for a 40+ year CAREER.
• The more work you put into networking, your schoolwork, extracurriculars.. the less harsh this reality will be. I'm blessed to have a LOT of family friends and family in the legal profession. These connections have not outright handed me jobs by any means, but, at times it can feel like a lifeline when you still want to be involved in the community and have feelers out there. Plus, it never hurts for you to be on peoples' minds.

3) You'll work long hours in an exhausting career and hate your life. This also depends on what type of law you get into, but as a first year associate? Likely. This is something you should prepare yourself for if you're going to law school. If you want a very structured 9-5, no weekends ever, routine job.. then maybe the law isn't for you. Also, I think there's this myth that all attorneys work 50+ hours a week. Wrong. It depends on your case load and field of practice. We go through "slow" times just like anyone else.

All of these issues boil down to one common theme, and the only time you'll ever hear me utter these words: Do not go to law school, unless you've done the research and understand and appreciate the financial burden, the job market, and what practicing the law means in the real world. (i.e. NOT Law & Order).

That seems like a no brainer, but I often find the people who complain the loudest were the ones who were the least prepared: The people who were wicked smart in undergrad, argumentative, and figured law school and a nice salary sounded like a good tradeoff for 3 years more schooling. The people who said "meh, why not, seems interesting" and applied to law school and got in effortlessly- and yes, these people exist. (And as someone who struggled a bit to get into law school but desperately wanted to practice law, I sort of hated them). The people who hate reading and writing and apply to law school not realizing 95% of practicing law, civil or criminal is reading and writing.

Here's my reality: I have known since 4th grade I wanted to practice law. I didn't know at that age what it meant. In undergrad I got a legal assistant job at a civil insurance defense firm. Not what most people think of when they think of glamorous law jobs and yet it simply affirmed my desire to go to law school. Applying to law school I KNEW what the reality would be: lots of research and writing. No "AHA!" law and order courtroom moments. I like the atmosphere, I like the process, I like the creative problem solving. I like knowing more about current affairs because 75% of the stuff on the nightly news is law related --> that new bill in the legislature, that guy's murder trial, taxes.. all law related! If possible do some volunteer work or get involved in the legal community before applying to law school- make sure it's what you want to do!

The bar exam was hell, but I made it. I am making decent money at a not permanent job (a rare luxury whilst job hunting, I know) and have $130K in debt. No I'm not ashamed of that, and yes that's high. And still, I wouldn't go back and redo it or wish I hadn't gone to law school. Sure I have moments when I'm envious of friends who have had jobs for the last 4 years and minimal undergrad debt, but I know that EVENTUALLY I'll get a more permanent position and there's no price tag on loving what I do. A year or two of struggle is worth a lifelong career that I am passionate about.

So, when smug 2Ls or attorneys (who admittedly enjoyed what they do) had the cajones to look me in the eye and essentially tell me my career aspirations, which were essentially the same as THEIRS, were "too much work" and "not worth it" I'd smile and chuckle and then silently flip them the bird under the table.

The working title of this post was: justifying my outrageous debt and jobless existence.
Just kidding.

I look forward to a lifetime of whining about my job like everyone else.. I just have to figure out where that's going to be. :)

Four-eyes

 

I'm here today to talk glasses. 

I know, I know, you've seen a few of these reviews before and are probably rolling your eyes, but hear me out. I'm not going to be so noble in saying I would never do reviews on this site, or give you some kind of a disclaimer that I'll only do reviews that are a good "fit" for me. 

Actually it kind of took me by surprise since I have like, an M&M bag worth of followers (but I lurve all of you M&M's). 

Bottom line is: I wear glasses and contacts and my glasses are scratched to shit and 5 years old SO when Firmoo contacted me about participating in their blogger affiliate program I was all HECK YES!  

Actually, I let the email sit for a while because I'm lazy sometimes and then Antonio at Firmoo sent a follow up email and despite my poor response time and bad manners, still wanted me to participate (YAY!), and despite my usual "eye roll" at reviews, I am so glad I did. 

Their website was clean and easy to navigate. First, choose your glasses (I tried to find my exact pair on the site but they must have been a  HOTT seller because they're MIA. They have similar styles however in the #BD30003, #CP6061, and #SD2326). 

They asked for my prescription, obviously, but also the distance between your eyes so they can fit them to your face. After a quick phone call to my eye doctor to figure out how to read my prescription (der.) I was a few quick clicks away from a confirmation email! As I'm sure you know I've been trying to get more comfortable with my personal style, so I was excited to try a pair of glasses that weren't so "safe" for me, and were more trendy.

Imagine my delight when these pretties showed up (10 days after submitting my order, nonetheless):

They also came with a pink glasses wipe, and a teensy tinsy screw driver and spare screws to fix my glasses, should I ever need to! I have never seen anything like that included with the glasses, so that was a really nice assurance to have!

See!? teensy tinsy.
They also came with a pretty, solid case, which is good, because tossing my glasses in my purse pocket is what got my old pair scratched. That AND my old pair's case wouldn't snap shut fully. 

I LOVE my glasses. They're very "hipster" but they make me feel more sophisticated. They have a pretty studded detail on the arms, and they fit perfectly. They're light on my face and don't give me headaches the way my old glasses used to, because there was so much pressure on my head from how snug they were. 

They also make me feel more studious. I was inspired to read an old book about the Ojibwe from college. Just kidding, I thought it'd make for an appropriately dorky blogger-photo-op. 

The nice thing about them is they DON'T make me feel so dorky when dressed up, and that if I hadn't already put in my contacts, I would've actually worn them out to my work party Saturday night (which is what I took these photos before).

I'll admit, I feel like kind of a hypocrite for saying all this, after seeing 100 reviews for the Hana products that I was all "OK, we get it, whatever." and ignored the overall message. Also, I was a twee bit jealous of peeps gettin' free stuff.

That being said, I think it'd be 100% worth the 5 minutes it would take for you to participate in Firmoo's "First Pair Free" program which means you get to try glasses FREE by only paying the shipping.

Want to hear something even better? Glasses aren't just for four-eyes like me anymore. Glasses are trendy, and Firmoo has all of the trendiest frames, in prescription or NON-prescription! They also have sunglasses available in both options!(Do I sound like a salesman? I feel like one right now. Oh well, these glasses are awesome. I'm wearing them RIGHT NOW).

Worried about ordering from an online store? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, but while I took a leap of faith in the fit/look, you don't have to! They have an option to upload a photo of yourself to virtually "try on" the glasses! I didn't have a good photo of myself to use whilst at work, which is when I ordered, but it's nice to have some visual confirmation that you won't look like a total dweeb in your new specs, even if they ARE fo free.

I found myself excited on Saturday night at the prospect of wearing glasses on Sunday, and giving my contacts a break. You guys, that NEVER happens. I avoid my specs like the plague. I'm so thrilled I got a chance to participate in this program and M has told me no less than 4 times how much he likes my new glasses.

GO GET YOURSELF A PAIR, stat.