and unfortunately this goes far deeper than "writer's block."
I don't know what my deal is, but lately I've felt "off"... large and in part due to my job situation (or lack thereof) but I've felt it trickling into other areas of my life.
I haven't talked about it on here because, well, I don't particularly enjoy admitting to failure, and also because there really isn't much to report. I've been clerking at a law firm for 2 years now, but unfortunately (and I understand why) they don't have a permanent position for me as an associate at the moment. I've come to terms with that. The rumor mill has churned up some news, however, that my indefinite term here until I find something else couuullddddd become...definite. as in, see ya! This has not been confirmed but it has sent me into a twee bit of a panic.
I've been applying to other jobs for a long time, had in the neighborhood of 6 interviews, and nothing has panned out. #womp. This of course makes me think that I am the world's most awkward interviewer, which of course makes me more awkward at said interviews. This despondent cycle has crept into my brain and laid the, "do I really want to be a lawyer" seed. Yeah, I went there. The girl who wrote that "I won't ever tell someone not to go to law school" post less than 3 months ago. I think 85% of it has to do with the job search and my current state of affairs. I'm just feeling burnt out...and although I'm working in the legal field, I'm not exactly working in the capacity that one who is a licensed attorney (who wants to practice) should be. It's been hard for me to stay passionate about something when it feels like I've been "out of the loop" for a while now. It's also hard to watch classmates get jobs practicing... which leaves me feeling stale in terms of my experience and talents. It's been hard to get myself excited, about anything. It has me feeling lazy in other areas. I just lack motivation as a whole: laundry sits to be folded, house is messy, half finished wedding projects,... as much as I want a new job, I've found myself feeling too lazy to write a cover letter. Which is asanine, even I realize that.
Then, in particularly low moments, I start to wonder why I even went to law school. I feel like I'm not good at what I'm doing, and I start to daydream about how much better a creative industry would be. How I could have probably been just as happy in a different career with significantly less debt. Don't get me wrong, I love the law.. but I'm not going to pretend it's the only thing that would have fulfilled me in life. And in this moment, of semi-joblessness and minimal prospects? The trade off I made doesn't seem worth it. I fantasize about going to work for a wedding company where I get to craft, and look at beautiful photos all day. As much as I firmly believe not everybody who owns a DSLR is a professional photographer, a teensy tiny part of me would LOVE to quit my job and just take and edit photos.
Unfortunately wanting something bad enough, but being too lazy to do anything about it, won't get me very far. So, here's hoping with the warmer weather, I snap out of this funk. A new job wouldn't hurt either.
I'm not really looking for "you can do it!" comments. Seriously. I just... wanted to write it out. Maybe putting it out in the universe, admitting it, will bring me some better ju ju... and give me the motivation to really hit the job hunt hard. Or finally give me the balls take a pro-bono case with an organization I said I'd volunteer with (hi, too chicken to take a case for fear of looking stupid, not knowing what I'm doing, and disappointing these victims [it's a domestic violence org. who represents victims seeking orders for protection against their abuser] because they think they're getting a free experienced lawyer to help them and then this baby-faced idiot shows up.) --> I've never claimed to be rational.