Wednesday, March 27, 2013

On why I'm not good at being a girl: an (embarrassing?) confess-sesh

In my 26 years of being a girl, I've had my moments of feeling like I'm "doing it wrong." as they say.
There are certain things that I'm familiar with, I hear people use the phrases, but in application I am 100% clueless. Most of these have to do with beauty related items.

Maybe you guys can laugh at me, maybe I can get some honest to god answers, either way.. here we go.

1. Dry shampoo
I always heard girls talking about this stuff, and it confused me.
Shampoo is wet. Is this a wet substance you apply when your hair is dry? How does that make it NOT greasy? It sounds like it'd make it greasIER? Then one day, someone told me it comes out like a hairspray. OH! Okay. (This was after I confessed to someone that when my hair was bad I'd dump baby powder on my head and one day I didn't rub it in well enough and looked like I had a granny-patch RIGHT on the top-o-my-head until lunch, when I noticed it in the pop machine. womp.) I was informed dry shampoo is JUST LIKE baby powder, only less shameful and less actual powdery. Grandma hair is no more, and now I feel like my unshowered hair is more "trendy" and less "gross."

2. "____-Day hair!" (insert any number. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.)
Okay, so, this goes hand in hand with my dry shampoo quandry. I hear people say "this is 3rd day hair!" buuuuttt then I read THIS post Raven did, which she talked about taking showers and blasting hair with a blow dryer quick but still it was 6th day hair? So... does this mean when you guys say 2nd day hair, you still like.. get in the shower and get it wet and shit, you just don't put any shampoo on it, but then you still have to style it? This is where you lose me, and I may lose you (because maybe this is disgusting, I'm not sure)... when I say 2nd day hair, I mean no part of my body has seen the inside of a shower since yesterday. Am I doing it wrong? Isn't 2nd, 3rd, 4th day hair awesome because you didn't have to style it again? OR do some of you not get it wet but still take showers? (Do you then wear a shower cap in the shower?) I have long hair (duh) and on days I don't scrunch it and diffuse it (and wear it naturally curly) it is a royal pain in my ass to dry it all, and then style it. So when I rock 2nd day hair, it's so I can avoid all that styling B.S... and in rare moments of awesomeness, if you see me the 3rd day with a ponytail, it's because I still have not showered. I just generously apply deodorant and roll out. Is this gross? I'm honest to god not trying to be all "look at me I'm so cool and alternative" I'm just not sure what's going on, people.

3. Eyeliner- specifically lower lash liner.
Guys, this one was real tricky for a real long time. I never used to line my lower lash (mostly because I didn't understand how the F to do it) and if I did, I reserved it for fancier nights out. I then realized my eyes photograph better when lined on both sides (who knew!?) I then realized at a Mary Kay party once, that I was doing it all wrong. You see, I used to line this part:
(I've highlighted it for you with some super awesome faux-80s blue liner, for effect)
Uhhh, nobody freakin' told me that's not the right part. I always wondered how peoples' eyeliner stayed on all day because that part of your eyelid is like, super moist (sorry, I know) and it would always just get wet and rub off when I blinked. Then, in a revelation, I discovered people just kind of drew it on right OVER the spot where the lower lashes come out, so it was like a harder version of connect-the-dots. I still feel like it goes on spotty and I look like a crack head, but significantly less than before!

4. Primer, tinted moisturizer, bronzer, concealer, cover-up
If you held a gun to my head and told me I needed to recite what each one was supposed to do, or asked me whether they were different, I'd be dead. Honestly. Throw in the fact that some of them can appear in liquid form OR powder form and all bets are off. I was blessed with pretty good skin, so I've never had an overwhelming need to use anything like this. Not to mention an overwhelming fear of winding up like "that girl from high school" with the orange face and definitive line between her jawline and neck (YOU know who I'm talkin' about). I am sure I could benefit from an overall even appearance that these products usually give women, but that'd require me to wake up more than 20 minutes before I left the house. I've been known to put on a random .... concealer? bronzer? I am not sure which one it is, that I found in a drawer before a night out on the town. That's usually the only time I'll attempt some of the "harder" makeup stuff (read: normal for everyone else, but shit I can't seem to get a grasp on).

5. I'm just going to say it: bikini lines.
Maybe this makes me a weirdo or maybe this is TMI, but I glance around at the beach. I see all you tanned toned bitches with your perfect bikini lines. Does everybody on the planet wax? Or was I just not taught to shave properly? or is there some magic razor you all are buying? Because.. I just can't. gah.

I'm sure there will be a part 2 to this at some point because, well, I'm just not that great at being a girl sometimes.

happy humpday, people.


  1. You have my giggling as quietly as possible at my desk this morning, Kelly! And, I love it!

    A few thoughts:

    1. Waxing: do it! Phresh (both locations) have the nicest gals and are fabulous!
    2. Day _ hair means my hair has not met water/shampoo/conditioner for _ days. I typically shower, but throw it up and try awkwardly to not get it wet while I'm in there. You also might want to get on the blow-out bandwagon, as you will have really voluminous, blog-worthy hair for days! BlowDry! in uptown is my favorite!
    3. I've been using dry shampoo for years, even on freshly washed hair to give me some extra volume.

    Cheers to being a girl!


    1. haha! I have a lot of friends (myself included) who go to Phresh, so maybe I'll have to check that out! I still have so many questions there.. like.. do you wear underwear? a thong? do they take the underwear off or do it around it? GAH!

      oh dang, I should've added blow outs to the list. I have no idea what those are or what they're supposed to do. Especially when I see people get them the day BEFORE a big event. I don't get it. haha.

      and I've finally caught on to the dry shampoo bit, and even used it on fresh hair one day! lookit that, I'm ahead of the game. haha.

  2. I am with you on the 2nd/3rd day hair. It usually means that I didn't shower that day but sometimes I do take a shower but don't wash my hair (just use a shower cap) My hair is a pain to dry and styling just even isn't a thought haha

  3. Oh my gosh. Minus the concealer (yeah, I have patchy skin and used to have acne), I'm pretty sure I fit into all of these. Amen, sista.

  4. Go to the refinery in Uptown for a bikini wax. it is cheap and quick. You take off all your clothes below the belly button and they get all up in your biz.

    It's awkward at first but then you realize that they look at vag's all day. And that yours is probably no different. You'll lay (lie?) flat and spread both your legs out in a sideways "V" shape and they start at the bottom (?) and put some hot wax on there. Then tell you to breathe and rip it off. It's weird, it doesn't hurt down there. They'll get both sides and then start on the top (correct term?). This is the part that "hurts" but that isn't even the right word. It hurts for like .2 seconds. Also, you'll have to hold on to your leg (just one) and pull it up to your chest. Then she'll get in and wax ya up real good.

    Our lady bits are made to go through (and push out) a lot, so it isn't bad. Oh, and this is in relation to brazilian wax (take it all off). I've never had just the bikini line. Also I won't go to phresh for mine cause I know them too well to be all "hey here's my vag".

    The benefits (in my opinion) to waxing are:

    1) no shaving
    2) hair grows back more sparse and thin
    3) feels nice and clean

    2nd, 3rd, 4th day hair for me can mean a) I legit didn't step foot in the shower but rather sprayed on the dry shampoo and deodorant and perfume (OK this doesn't really get past day 2 or 3), but sometimes I just hop in the shower and have owned a shower cap at one point! Throw all your hair in there, hop, clean up, and bam!

    You skin is literally flawless and you do not need foundation/BB cream/tinted moisturizer or anything. Not even bronzer, because you're skin is beautiful. Blush maybe? Blush always make me look not ill.. because I'm pale and people are like, "are you sick?" and I'm like NO I am just not wearing make up, FUCK!

    I grew up doing eyeliner on the bottom (that's how my mom did it) and then like sometime around age 22 (?) I switched to top. Took some getting used to a liquid pen but that's what I do. If I wear it.

    Sorry for the long comment, my pretty.

    1. PS the refinery is in Dinkytown. Next to Loring Pasta Bar/Kitty Kat Klub (CLuB?)

    2. OMG- Just reading about the waxing makes me want to cry. I've had a bikini wax before and I was in tears because it hurt so bad. I was bruised and could barely walk for 2 days because it was so painful. Maybe I just have a low pain tolerance... who knows?!

  5. Haha! Love this, because apparently I'm also horrible at being a girl! Feel the same way about all of these...especially __day hair- if I don't wash my hair, I'm a gross greasy mess! Apparently I don't know how to do it correctly.

    1. haha I still think there's some trick to dry shampoo I'm not getting, because my hair still looks weird when I use it. Oh well.

  6. I love this because I am in the same boat as you when it comes to beauty things. My hair doesn't do anything other than be straight so that's all out the window for me. I have pretty nice skin too so make-up isn't really high up on my list and well shaving...I try my damnest but lord knows that is not perfect either lol. Maybe I should give waxing a chance...ugh.

  7. I agree with all of these. I almost feel like my mom let me down when it comes to being girly. I wear BB cream and mascara. That's it. I know nothing about make up or even really how to put it on. I've had a bikini wax and it was worse than childbirth.

    Don't feel bad- I am with you 100% on all of these!

    1. childbirth is my biggest fear so if the bikini wax was worse, I think I am OK! Haha!

    2. I love you. And this post.
      If you get answers to your questions send them to me.

  8. I HAVE ALL THESE EXACT SAME QUESTIONS. Sorry. I got really excited because these are things I am afraid to ask my impeccably made-up-and-shaved friends! You are the best for posting this, thank you!

    1. hahah! sounds like girls, on the whole, are posers..and none of us have any idea what's going on!

  9. Haha this so funny. I think a lot of us have the same questions. Thanks for being brave enough to post on behalf of all of us :)

  10. Bravo, girlfran. You know this already, but I ain't no beauty queen. This was riiiiight up my alley. But you forgot the part about religiously washing your makeup brushes. Because I know you do it every Sunday after mass.

    And I have a waxing story for you. I think I need to blog about it. I think you may have just reignited my blog spark. Fashion faux pas 101.

  11. ugh, cringe, waxing ladytown sounds awful and painful. i'm sure the results are worth it but - damn, ouch! lol

  12. This is hilarious. I actually thought i knew what dry shampoo was, but after reading your paragraph on it - clearly, i was wrong. Haha! And i never say Day _ hair, b/c i wash it daily. Which is a big no-no in hair stylist world, but my hair is SUPER oily if i don't. Which they say is not true, but it IS. I have my dad's hair. It's super oily. If i go a day without washing it, it looks EXTREMELY oily. Like i slicked it back with oil. :) It's pretty gross.

    Yikes! I do NOT wax my bikini line & always wonder if everyone has a magical razor or if they actually wax down there! LOL. I do wax my eyebrows & lip, but that is IT! :)

    I do use concealer if there is a zit. And i started using tinted moisturizer instead of base, b/c my face doesn't really need all that makeup, but i do wake up with it red & splotchy in spots (fair skin), so it helps to even it out.

  13. I still havent tried dry shampoo, probably because I wash my hair every single day.. and eye liner, I still wear it like you used to :))

  14. Hahaha I love this! I don't get the hair washing either - I think it's being a blonde, but I have to wash my hair every day! The bikini lines one made me laugh out loud too - for real, loved it.

  15. I am definitely in the same boat as you. I wash my hair every other day because it's so fine and thin and just falls out a lot! lol I wear it in a loose ponytail on the day I don't wash it because I can't handle the oil being around my face [not to mention the zits that it will cause]. Dry shampoo doesn't work well on dark hair because you will literally have a line of white up in there. What am I doing wrong??

    I very rarely wear makeup because I am just lazy, I guess. Hah. I don't do fancy BB creams and primers and foundations and blush and fake eyelashes and all kinds of eyeshadows. I just don't understand them, and honestly, they cost too damn much money to put all the effort in it! And, clogging up all my pores isn't really a top priority of mine, ya know?

    Bikini lines...I have no idea how girls keep theirs looking all nice and smooth. If I shave that area I will have red bumps and itch like fucking hell for the next two weeks! I have to do it the morning of going to the pool/beach/etc. or all you will see is irritation. I mean, really? Other than waxing [which terrifies me - heard too many horror stories from friends!], there's got to be a better way to handle all that shiz, right?

  16. I just went and searched your blog for this after you commented!!! LOVE IT!

    the eyeliner thing gets me everytime. Except im opposite of this!! I cant put it on my top lid!! haha HOOWWW do u do this!

    bikini lines. im dying. LOL so true girlfrand...SO true

    so glad u shared that u wrote this too!! HOORAY for being bad girls! lol