I wanted to check in.
First of all, thank you all so much for reaching out.. for the kind words. They're appreciated more than I can say.
I miss writing.
I miss it so much I ordered a journal that Sarah recommended.
I want to be able to be honest here, but there are things that I just don't want to memorialize on the big world wide web for anyone to stumble across.
That doesn't mean I won't talk about my mom on here, and how I'm doing, and that I'm having a sad day.. because that's all true, and I'm sure I'll talk about that. I don't want it to be all that I talk about, though, because it's..surprisingly enough.. NOT my entire world right now.
Outwardly I'm sure I look fine to people, and to be honest 75-80% of the time, I feel it too. That's because I refuse to let myself dwell on it for too long. Because if I admit to myself that I'm not sure she understood what was happening to her, that I believe she wasn't ready to go, and that she seemed scared: If I think about those things for even a second too long and I let myself go, I cease to function. The reality of the matter is, I'm an attorney, and I have to function. Everybody else is slowly moving on with their lives, and while nobody will forget about my mom... I need to start to move on, too.
I do let myself go to that place, sometimes.. because I know it's important to think through everything, to let myself feel these things, but I'm usually only comfortable doing that privately (or with Matt around, obviously). I've had some (what I've perceived as) incredibly irrational thoughts the last few weeks.. and in emailing with people who have also lost a parent.. I've come to realize they're actually not all that irrational.
I'm in this weird place with this blog. I don't want it to be the only thing I talk about (because it's not the only thing I think about) but I also feel fucked up writing about what I did this weekend, like nothing happened. There's guilt there, and I know nobody would think that about me, but it's still something I'm feeling. I also don't want to be that girl who only talks about her dead parent because that is heavy and sad. People are all heavy and sad with you in the immediate aftermath of something like this.. but they move on faster. There's nothing wrong with that, it wasn't their mom, and they can still feel sad for you, but they likely won't have the random waves of emotions, or still feel it as acutely, as I have been. For example, the other night Matt and I were driving home from somewhere. We'd had a great night out, I was fine all night- happy, laughing, having a good time- and I just burst into tears in the car. My thought process?: I was having a good night and my mom was dead and how was this all possible and that was really fucking sad. Matt looked over and in a very panicked voice asked "sweetie, what's wrong?!"... The tone in his voice told me he wasn't sure what the root cause of the tears was. I'm honestly not sure if it was in response to this car-cry or a different one (I do my best crying in the car) but I snapped, "my mom's dead. that's what's wrong."
I don't blame him for that, I understand he's never been with someone who has lost a parent, and he hasn't lost a parent (or another equally close relative) himself.. this is as new to him as it is to me. So when I burst into tears a few weeks from now, months, years.. I don't expect everybody to automatically associate it with my mom's death. Sometimes it won't be about that, but sometimes it will be.
I've come to find out that's totally normal. But, that's precisely why this just isn't the space for me to talk about some of the deeper, more personal things I'm feeling.
I'm not 100% sad, and I'm not 100% okay.
I also just have been really busy. Besides dealing with the aftermath of her death, the funeral and everything that entails, the case I'd had at work set to go to trial in 2 weeks absolutely exploded.. thankfully we've gotten a continuance but there's a lot to be done there, so that's been a source of anxiety. My family and I have signed up to do the M.S. walk, so I've been working on the website, getting donations, designing T-shirts, and will be planning a reception after the walk. I've agreed to host a bridal shower for Leah in April, so.. I've been brainstorming for that. And..due to some recurring car drama with M's Malibu, we've been shopping for (another) new car - - this time to lease. So, there's been carpooling, car shopping, and just in general a pain in the ass.
OH and did I mention I was supposed to be in Paris this past week? I cancelled the trip the morning my mother passed away not knowing her funeral (last Tuesday) would take place in time for me to have still gone (last Wednesay). Although with the work dramz, it's probably a good thing I was in town. So, I'm also in the early stages of planning a do-over trip with M to Italy late this summer, since I have to have my travel completed using the ticket credit by 9/24 (ironically- my mom's birthday).
That was disjointed and rambly, but I needed to say things. I'll be around. I'm getting an iphone this weekend most likely, so be on the lookout for higher quality cat photos on Instagram. (kellybea14).