Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I wanted to check in.
First of all, thank you all so much for reaching out.. for the kind words. They're appreciated more than I can say.

I miss writing.
I miss it so much I ordered a journal that Sarah recommended.
I want to be able to be honest here, but there are things that I just don't want to memorialize on the big world wide web for anyone to stumble across.

That doesn't mean I won't talk about my mom on here, and how I'm doing, and that I'm having a sad day.. because that's all true, and I'm sure I'll talk about that. I don't want it to be all that I talk about, though, because it's..surprisingly enough.. NOT my entire world right now.

Outwardly I'm sure I look fine to people, and to be honest 75-80% of the time, I feel it too. That's because I refuse to let myself dwell on it for too long. Because if I admit to myself that I'm not sure she understood what was happening to her, that I believe she wasn't ready to go, and that she seemed scared: If I think about those things for even a second too long and I let myself go, I cease to function. The reality of the matter is, I'm an attorney, and I have to function. Everybody else is slowly moving on with their lives, and while nobody will forget about my mom... I need to start to move on, too.

I do let myself go to that place, sometimes.. because I know it's important to think through everything, to let myself feel these things, but I'm usually only comfortable doing that privately (or with Matt around, obviously). I've had some (what I've perceived as) incredibly irrational thoughts the last few weeks.. and in emailing with people who have also lost a parent.. I've come to realize they're actually not all that irrational.

I'm in this weird place with this blog. I don't want it to be the only thing I talk about (because it's not the only thing I think about) but I also feel fucked up writing about what I did this weekend, like nothing happened. There's guilt there, and I know nobody would think that about me, but it's still something I'm feeling. I also don't want to be that girl who only talks about her dead parent because that is heavy and sad. People are all heavy and sad with you in the immediate aftermath of something like this.. but they move on faster. There's nothing wrong with that, it wasn't their mom, and they can still feel sad for you, but they likely won't have the random waves of emotions, or still feel it as acutely, as I have been. For example, the other night Matt and I were driving home from somewhere. We'd had a great night out, I was fine all night- happy, laughing, having a good time- and I just burst into tears in the car. My thought process?: I was having a good night and my mom was dead and how was this all possible and that was really fucking sad. Matt looked over and in a very panicked voice asked "sweetie, what's wrong?!"... The tone in his voice told me he wasn't sure what the root cause of the tears was. I'm honestly not sure if it was in response to this car-cry or a different one (I do my best crying in the car) but I snapped, "my mom's dead. that's what's wrong."

I don't blame him for that, I understand he's never been with someone who has lost a parent, and he hasn't lost a parent (or another equally close relative) himself.. this is as new to him as it is to me. So when I burst into tears a few weeks from now, months, years.. I don't expect everybody to automatically associate it with my mom's death. Sometimes it won't be about that, but sometimes it will be.

I've come to find out that's totally normal. But, that's precisely why this just isn't the space for me to talk about some of the deeper, more personal things I'm feeling.

I'm not 100% sad, and I'm not 100% okay.
I also just have been really busy. Besides dealing with the aftermath of her death, the funeral and everything that entails, the case I'd had at work set to go to trial in 2 weeks absolutely exploded.. thankfully we've gotten a continuance but there's a lot to be done there, so that's been a source of anxiety. My family and I have signed up to do the M.S. walk, so I've been working on the website, getting donations, designing T-shirts, and will be planning a reception after the walk. I've agreed to host a bridal shower for Leah in April, so.. I've been brainstorming for that. And..due to some recurring car drama with M's Malibu, we've been shopping for (another) new car - - this time to lease. So, there's been carpooling, car shopping, and just in general a pain in the ass.

OH and did I mention I was supposed to be in Paris this past week? I cancelled the trip the morning my mother passed away not knowing her funeral (last Tuesday) would take place in time for me to have still gone (last Wednesay). Although with the work dramz, it's probably a good thing I was in town. So, I'm also in the early stages of planning a do-over trip with M to Italy late this summer, since I have to have my travel completed using the ticket credit by 9/24 (ironically- my mom's birthday).

That was disjointed and rambly, but I needed to say things. I'll be around. I'm getting an iphone this weekend most likely, so be on the lookout for higher quality cat photos on Instagram. (kellybea14).


  1. You are allowed to be all over the place. First few weeks & months were like a daze to me. My heart breaks thinking she wasn't really ready. I think my mom was at peace with going but we so weren't ready. Jounaling is an awesome thing though!

  2. I think that's just life. To be happy and sad and lost and found all at the same time. :) The fluidity of humanity allows you to be all those things and more. Your blog is you and if it's all the over the place because you are so be it. Documenting truth right?

    Also, I think it's kind of special that you have to use your ticket by your mom's birthday. Sounds like a good reason to go to Italy and celebrate her life by living yours. :)

  3. OH Kelly, I'm so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know your mom was sick, but I don't think that makes it any easier. I'll be praying for your family and I think that whatever you feel about writing about is 100% a-ok.


  4. All things considering, this was very well written and easy to understand. I'm glad you feel comfortable coming here and I understand your concern for not wanting it to be completely about losing a parent but not wanting to just jump back into normalcy either. You do whatever you want with this space, we'll still be here :) In the meantime, I will most definitely be enjoying those awesome kee pics!

  5. there are just so many things to comment on this post and I don't want to seem insensitive..but iPhone?!? boo.

    anyways, hang in there girl. There is no timeline for grief. And that's it. I'm weirdly jealous of you for letting yourself grieve in a healthy way, and knowing yourself well enough to know that you just need to process still. I think I told you this, but I was physically sick for 3 or 4 days after my dad died, and I know it's because I didn't let myself process those emotions when I was with him during those last moments. With all those thoughts of what your mom may have experienced in her last moments, I hope you're also realizing that she felt loved, too. Maybe she was scared and confused, but having you all there with her comforted her more than you know. Do what you gotta do girl. The guilt will ease.

    Oh, and Italy this summer?? perfect :)

  6. Hi there. You don't know me. I'm an "in real life" friend with Melissa Imboden from MN Bloggers. I just started my own blog and look to others like yours for inspiration. I really like your blog.
    This is a beautiful, heartbreaking, and honest post. While I haven't lost a parent, and can't understand that pain, I have lost my sister. Grief like that is SO powerful, all consuming, and unexplainable. Kudos for you for being open and honest. That's important in the journey. Stay strong.

  7. As weird as it may be to say it was nice to read this. Jamal just lost his dad on Monday and as much as I can try to understand what he is feeling I obviously don't know. And you situations were very different and I am sure you are feeling different things but it helps to have an idea of where he is at. Because like Matt, I'm clueless and feel incredibly helpless.

    Bummer that you had to cancel your trip but I am sure it will be very welcome come summer when you guys do get to go.

  8. Your honesty is so much appreciated, Kelly!! I don't think anyone could have worded it any better than you just did. I have been thinking of you so much these last few weeks. I'm glad to hear that you're OK, but still taking the time to grieve. We're here for support with whatever you decide to write or not write about here on your blog. {{Hugs}}

  9. Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. There is no "right" way to grieve, but it sounds like you are just taking each day as it comes, because that's all you can do. I'm glad you have such a good support system, especially Matt.

  10. I love how honest this is and I love how honest you are being both to yourself and to your readers. It's only natural to sometimes feel strong, sometimes feel weak, sometimes feel happiness and sometimes feel sadness.There's no such thing as a "good" way to grieve so I think allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you feel at whatever time is the absolute best thing you can do. You've been on my mind sweet friend! xo.

  11. Oh Kelly, I just don't even know what to say.

    How is this for weird - I actually started my blog a few months after my mom died because I felt like I needed a place to go where I could kinda-sorta pretend that things were JUST FINE. As in - I felt like "real life" was me constantly reassuring people that I was SO SAD but doing just fine.... it was exhausting to keep up, and sometimes I just wanted to be a regular college student who was enjoying being young and fun - even though all the thoughts in my head were anything but carefree.

    Hugs. And I highly recommend Kleenex with Lotion. Not Soft Kleenex, or Puffs, or anything else. Kleenex. with. Lotion. They saved my face.

  12. So, I feel pretty terrible that I have yet to comment on the passing of your mom. I've mentally commented about 20 times in the past 2 weeks, and decided I really need to write something to let you know that I've had you and your family in my thoughts regardless of how close of friends we are. When I read the news on FB that your mom had passed - I could not stop thinking about it. I felt like my mom had just died. I was so heartbroken for you and your family. You have dealt with so much in the past few months going from the happiest day of your life to the saddest, most alarming days of your life. I'm glad that you've got amazing friends and family near by to help you through all of this. You are such an intelligent, comical, beautiful, down-to-Earth girl. I can only imagine that your mom was and still is so proud of you and all of your accomplishments! Take your time processing all of this. There is no rhyme or reason to how we each handle our grieving and I guarantee that nobody in the blog world would ever judge.

  13. All of this made perfect sense to me. I am glad you did a little research and found that your thoughts are truly not all that irrational. :) I am so sorry you've lost your mom. I feel like grief is the hardest thing to get through, ever. I have only lost my grandfathers, and they were both sick & old, and i was never that close to them. So i was okay. When i was in my early twenties the girl i babysat died... she had a heart problem they weren't aware of... it was HORRIBLE. The first time i really experienced grief. Since then i have lost my husband's granny (I was closer to her than my own grandparents). That one was hard. But i haven't lost a parent. Or a sibling. Or a spouse. And I will start crying just thinking about that happening.

    Of course right now my grief is about miscarrying, and i was only 6 weeks along. I know that is nothing compared to a farther along pregnancy or to losing someone you've had in your life for many years, but it is grief. And sometimes i worry about ONLY blogging about infertility or miscarriage, and i don't want my blog to be that heavy either. But i have to let that go & just blog what i feel when i feel it. Sometimes it will be happy - what i did this weekend. Sometimes it will be heavy.

    Just write what you want when you want. Nobody will fault you for that! And if some things go in your journal & not here - well that's totally understandable too.


  14. Sending so many positive thoughts, virtual hugs, and prayers your way, Kelly! I can't imagine what it must be like to move a parent but I do understand the guilt of trying to continue on with 'normal' life when you feel like other people expect you to be mourning outwardly all of the time. I think you're so brave and I love that you shared this post. I'm sure it's affecting people more than you know!

  15. As to not repeat any of the previous peoples sayings, because I agree with everyone, I simply love this post and have been thinking about you often.