Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The crazy anti-baby-makers.

I'm here to share a story of how a generally pleasant girl turned into a total psycopath.
Maybe this is oversharing, maybe not, but I figure it's got to ring true or maybe even help at least one other person out there.
Summer 2010 I started BC for the first time.
(For reference, it was Microgestin FE..looked like this:)
Go ahead, throw stones, I was almost always "safe" in the other sense of the word (heaven help me if my family reads this. I am almost positive they don't...) I was on it while in Malta, and continued on it into the fall. That's when things started to change.
I was snapping on M more, getting hysterically upset about things that would NEVER phase me before, crying at the drop of a hat, turning small tiffs into bigger "is this symptomatic of US" worries, I was moody, and everybody annoyed me.
One day, maybe after seeing an ad that potential side effects of a different BC involved mood, I hopped on The Google. Praise The Google. I found myself on a forum full of women complaining about how BATSHIT crazy they were on the pill. AH! So maybe my issues weren't entirely ME. They may have been exacerbated by this teeny tiny pill.
I went off, after chatting with M, as an experiment. He even commented I seemed a lot happier and there was a noticable difference in my mood.
and so it stayed until May 2012.. when I went to the lady-doc and decided to tell her what happened and try to get on a different pill. She prescribed TriNessa, another low-dose pill.
For reference, looked like this:
So la-ti-da I start it in July and things are fine. I'm in the midst of studying for the bar exam.. so I'm a bit edgy and chalk it up to studying. Have a few breakdowns, which I documented here, but think nothing of it. Then the bar exam is over, and we roll into August.
As the horomones build up, I start to get more edgy, irritable, snippy at M, and all around SAD.
There was a point a week or two ago when I considered buying a plane ticket to the east coast and calling M and telling him I went on vacation alone. Now, I still feel like doing that today--however it's more of a "I want to travel! fun!" bug and less of a "I need to run away from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING" bug.
I cried, over every little thing. How's this for nuts: I was playing with burlap downstairs and the mac was nearby. M brought down a mini apple pie and set it down near the computer. Then he got upset about something "getting in the port" of the computer and I THOUGHT he meant the burlap pieces that flake off when you touch it. So what does any normal person do? Break out in 30 minutes of hysterical crying. He comes downstairs and I'm sobbing. He finally tells me he was upset at HIMELF for getting some of the ice cream on the computer when he set it down.
That was the turning point.
Once again, I turned to The Google and researched. Once again I found a forum of women describing the same symptoms that I had.
Remember the "funk" I described before the surprise weekend? THIS was what was causing it.
What scared me this time around was, when I went back on the pill I SWORE to myself, "Self. Now that you KNOW you went crazy, you'll be able to recognize it and control it better." and really is there any more helpless and scary feeling then not recognizing yourself slipping into a mild depression becasue of a pill? and KNOWING that's what it is but not being able to stop it? I also struggled with, "how much of it is the pill, and how much is ME just being ME?" ... I've been known to get easily annoyed, and snip here and there.. but it was like the worst parts of me were magnified.
I pulled myself off it a week and a half ago.
I feel more optimistic, happier, I don't want to kill everyone who looks at me.
I share this story to let people know that it can happen.
I so often heard of only "positive" side effects of BC: skin cleared up! (I have fine skin) bigger boobies! (didn't notice that) and side effects like these were nothing I was aware of as a possibility.. until I started. M's best friend's girlfriend had the same issues. She went on, went crazy, went off as an experiment, and then went back on again to see.. annndd bam- crazy again.
I know this won't be the case for everyone, but if you're on BC and not feeling like yourself- it very well may be the BC.
this is my PSA for the day.
NOTE: I know it takes a certain amount of time for your body to adjust and that taking myself off it without consulting a doctor probably wasn't the proper decision, and that this won't be the case for everyone. I was just not willing to play with my mental health anymore.


  1. I like your note at the end ;) But really - mental health is the most important thing. If you KNOW you're crazy, you SHOULD quit it - why wait for a doctor to confirm that you're probably crazy if you already know you are? Regardless, I applaud you. I was crazy because of a non-BC medication and definitely DIDN'T realize it. Turns out I also have a thyroid issue that helps with the being crazy part, but whatever the cause - I didn't notice or know enough to take myself off meds. Good for you! x

  2. Awww, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this but I can only imagine how your honesty can help others!! I am actually on the flip side... I had been on the pill for 10 years and never had ANY side effects at all. I got off the pill in January (to get my hormones straightened out before we want to start trying for kiddos) and I have been MUCH more irritable and annoyed. NOT to the point where I'm worried, but these new waves of emotions that I haven't felt in 10 years are kind of crazy. That at the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRIBLE, debilitating cramps that I get each month? OMG. Horrible. Why does being a girl have to suck so badly sometimes??

    Regardless, happy for you to be back to your normal self :-)

  3. I've been on the pill since I was like 16... and I never had symptoms like that, but I actually got off of it because I was scared what it was doing to my body. It's scary to think that something like that can be so common, but is totally changing a woman's body! EEK! Glad you're doing better now! :)

  4. Oh the pill. I've been on 3 different types. The first one I was on made me psycho. I'm talking like violent tendencies. I was constantly pissy and it just wasn't okay. Though, my boobs did grow a size on this pill. So I switched to a new pill and things were fine. Then my pharmacy started carrying a different generic and put me on that. Terrible. I felt sick and nauseous for a month. My cramps were terrible. So now I've switched pharmacies to go back on my old generic and things are peachy. It seems every pill can have side effects but you just have to find one that works for your body. That is why there are so many different kinds!

    Sorry to hear you were having so many problems and I'm glad things are better now!

  5. I completely understand! I tried the patch, and my cramps were so bad that I hyper-ventilated. Then I went on Orthotricyclen, a tri-phasal, and I cried over everything -- the same as you described. Then I was placed on Orthocyclen, and took the generic that Walgreens carried, which was fine until I switched to the CVS generic -- Sprintec. I only googled it after I went off of it, and HALF of my hair fell out. Since there is no medical reason for me to mess with my body, I stopped all BC pills. I am happier, more balanced, and after 2 years, most of my hair has grown back in. There are other, less invasive ways to prevent pregnancy. Your health and mental well-being should be first.

    1. you don't have an email reply set up, so hopefully you see this! call me vain, but losing my hair like that would be HORRIBLE. I can't imagine. It's incredible what kinds of horomones can be packed into something SO tiny! I totally agree. I'll stick to the "old fashioned" ways... because if I stayed on the pill? There wouldn't have been a fiance with whom I needed to prevent pregnancy. haha!

  6. HAHA I can relate to this! I was on a BC in college that had high estrogren levels and it made me INSANE! I remember crying because there was no mac n cheese at home and throwing a set of electric curlers at my hubby's (then BF) head!! Haha I'm on a lower level one now thank gosh:)

    1. I'm sorry but this just made me feel 10x better for any estrogen induced rage I've ever gone on! Hilarious. And you kept the guy! :)

  7. I am so glad you wrote this post! I took Yaz for years and out of SHEER CURIOSITY I decided to switch to the shot (depo provera). After talking with some friends about it I realized that not having a period altogether was just not healthy for you, even though it sounds awesome (it was), so I recently switched back to the pill. I figured they would give me Yaz like they did before but when I got home it was some generic brand, Loryna. I figured, what the hell, how different can it be. Well, it can be horribly different! I've been on my period since I started taking it (3 weeks), moody, terrible cramps, chin acne like I just started puberty, and the worst part - nausea. Every day. I am so tempted to just go off everything but I'm going to try my trusty name brand one first before I take the plunge.

    Sorry this is so long. Had to vent!

  8. BIRTH CONTROL IS THE DEVIL! I HAD to be on it for 8 years because of my endometriosis and after 8 years feeling depressed and being bat-shit crazy I decided I'd rather take my chances with the endometriosis coming back. It is seriously awful! I am a whole new person without that damn pill!