GUILT AND FEAR

My dad called the other night to ask me if I wanted to come over the following day to learn how to take care of his plants while he was gone.
I laughed and challenged him on the notion that watering plants was somehow a complicated task but more so understood it was an excuse to see me.
So when he finished telling me that his new "flower tower" actually DID require a tutorial and followed that sentiment up with, "I have some sad news about R.W." -- a name I'd come to learn in recent months since my dad's heart attack and my mom's passing- I wasn't prepared for his next statement.

Truth be told I'd only met him three times. The first, when he popped in after recess duty to say hi and offer condolences as we planned my mom's services in the conference room at the grade school. The second, at her funeral. The third was when he actually showed up to watch the Minnesota Gophers play in the NCAA championship hockey game. I say "actually" because my dad has this ridiculous quality about him where he throws out vague invitations, and unlike the intense type-A in me, never expects a firm RSVP. "You should stop by!" He says. So when M and I arrived that night to watch the game he told us there could be anywhere from zero additional people, to approximately 6. The game started and no one had showed up and my dad was a little disappointed.. the consummate host, he took it a little personally when people no-showed, despite having obtained no firm RSVP's. I still remember his excitement when he glanced outside and saw R.W.'s wife dropping him off with a bottle of whiskey and the note in his voice when he said "aww, it's R.W.!" R.W. was more quiet overall, but seemed comfortable and offered the odd commentary: he reminded me a lot of my dad.

So when my dad said "I have some sad news about R.W." my immediate thought was, "oh no, I bet he just got diagnosed with cancer." So I wasn't at all expecting to hear what he said next, "He had a massive heart attack and died last night. He and his wife were just biking and he fell over and they couldn't revive him."

My heart jumped into my throat because I understand all too well what separates a "he didn't make it" phone call from a "he's on his way to the hospital" phone call- the phone call I was lucky enough to receive last October: dumb. fucking. luck. That's it. I know it, my dad knows it, and that's why I heard all the things he didn't even have to say on the phone during that conversation, "that could have been me..that WAS me...why him...why not me..."-- and I know there are people reading this who live their lives every day knowing what it's like to be on the other side, the awful side, of that kind of luck. Thinking about that dumb luck paralyzes me, sometimes. That's because there are two great equalizers in life: guilt and fear.

I honestly didn't really even KNOW him, so I would hate for this to be construed as making it about me, but in some ways his death has me even more rattled than my mom's. I can picture him on the couch watching the game, hear his voice. It was SO recent. It seems both incredibly obvious and stupid to say this but the thing that shakes me most about death is that in the months, weeks, minutes before it happens - these people had no idea it was coming. I find myself mentally tracing back to that one second, that one decision, that could save them. This happens more notably for me when I hear of car accidents, someone steps off a corner and is struck and killed by a truck.. literally ONE SECOND could have saved their life. It seems as though we should be able to go back in time and fix it. It seems so fucking STUPID that such a blip on the radar in terms of time, can cost someone their life. The same can be said with things left to chance, as is often the case with a heart attack: the moment the blocked artery triggers cardiac arrest. What if it had happened at school? or any place with an AED?

I'm sure it's the oversaturation in the media but I find myself drawn to, and easily obsessed with, tragedy news stories. Shootings, car accidents, drownings,.. constantly cycling the "one second before/one second after" thoughts in my head. I know this is wholly unproductive and unhealthy, but it often has me wondering when (not IF, when) tragedy will strike me again personally. It feels like it's inevitable, and it terrifies me. Perhaps that's a sign I need to step away from the news..since some small logical part of my brain knows these are the exception, not the rule.

It's hard to find any deeper meaning for why my dad is here and R.W. isn't. I refuse to believe that was part of God's plan. I don't think God plans for anyone to die, or orchestrates it in any way. I do hope and pray that the fact that R.W. seemed to be a very devout catholic helps his family in the coming weeks and months. I'm sure this post sounds rambly and a touch self-centered at times but I'm not trying to make this about me. It naturally comes from my point of view as I process this but I really truly am devastated for his family, and my dad.. who has lost his wife and a friend who- from the sounds of it- he admired greatly, among some other scary family health news in the last few weeks.

There's no point to all of this, but I needed to put it out somewhere. Maybe I need to absolve myself of the guilt that it easily could have, should have probably, been my dad.

HOME AWAY FROM HOME

This post is sponsored by DogVacay.com, nothing was provided in return for this post, all opinions are my own. 

The meaning behind the phrase "home away from home" seems to be an obvious one, doesn't it?
It's a place that isn't home, but feels like home.
When I was contacted by DogVacay.com  to participate in their "home away from home" project I struggled a bit to come up with a place that truly stuck out as my number one. This was the case for many reasons, but I think the biggest one coincided with a line from their email, which read:

"sometimes, it just takes some good people, a great environment or a sense of comfort & familiarity"

One thing I've always prided myself on is my ability to adapt, so the truth is: I feel "home" a lot of places. Brunch wherever it is we happen to be dining that Saturday morning.. a coffee shop.. walking through the park or hiking (like we did this Memorial Day weekend!). However,  if pressed on one of my favorites, though... I'd have to say Naples, FL:

My aunt and uncle have a condo down there, so that definitely helps with the sense of comfort and familiarity.. but we've been down there a few times now and can now spot the "new" restaurants on 5th, have a favorite coffee shop, and have a bit of a routine when we head down.

I'm sad it didn't work out to get down there this winter, but it's nice to know we have a vacation spot that we love and are comfortable with just waiting for us to return.

So, what's the link between dogvacay.com and Florida?
I don't have a puppy (YET- M is a fuddy duddy on this topic) but I do understand the importance of creating an environment for a puppy that is comfortable and familiar. DogVacay offers you real pet sitters in your area- no cages, half the price of boarding costs, and your pup will be hanging out with a fellow dog lover. Can't think of any better "home away from home" for your furry family member.

It's definitely a service I'll be checking out when I have one of my own!

So, tell me- what's your home away from home?

MONDAY CURRENTLY// VOL. 3

A more accurate title would be belated-Tuesday-currently but what can you do.
Anyway, carry on.

 R E A D I N G 

Everything I can on "There's Something Wrong with Aunt Diane" -- due to a very near-miss this weekend (more in "Thinking"). Super morbid, yes. In the time since my last Sunday Currently I cashed Emily Giffen's "The One and Only" in about 3 days. I usually blindly worship anything she writes, but I was not impressed with this book. The writing was great, per usual, but the story line had me rage-texting Jess at various points. <<hmpf>>

 L I S T E N I N G 

Just finished listening to a semi-heated phone deposition. I think my problem is I get second hand embarrassed far too easily. This bodes well for my career, no?

 T H I N K I N G 

How unbelievably lucky M and I were on Sunday night as we were about 15 feet and 5 seconds away from being one of these cars:

Sunday night M and I were headed over to Lauren's for an impromptu visit to check out their new place, along with Jess and Syndal and their men. We were headed eastbound on 94 (for those familiar with the twin cities) and coming up on a curve in the freeway where my work exit actually is. 

M was driving, and I was glancing down at my phone at the map when I heard him gasp, felt the brakes, and I looked up to see a flash of tail lights and the first impact as several cars immediately in front of us began to crunch into each other. M made a split second decision to swerve right as he anticipated the pile up heading to the left, and he was right (as you can see by the photo, all the cars wound up on the interior of the freeway).  We were literally the first car following these people who did NOT crash. 

We pulled over on the shoulder, shaking and all around freaking out when I snapped back and realized that we needed to be the ones to call 9-1-1. I gave all the information to dispatch and M hopped out of the car and ran over to check on everyone since the freeway had come to a stand still. After finishing with 911, I got out of the car and was standing next to the car talking to a nurse who had pulled over- I saw the lights of a patrol car coming up on my side of the freeway when the second accident happened: a black jeep that had pulled over on the opposite side of the freeway on the interior shoulder was struck by a old pickup truck, which then fishtailed out and hit several other cars before coming to a rest. 

M saw more since he was driving and; after talking to some of the other witnesses; pieced together what had happened: the black jeep said he had called in the dark brown sedan (at the top of the photo behind the 2 men) for driving erratically on 94 westbound. He came upon the accident and recognized the car, which is why he pulled over. There's a curve in the road westbound that this woman apparently missed entirely, launched over the median and went airborne, before coming back down and facing oncoming traffic in our lane. M first saw her as she cut from left to right across all 4 lanes of traffic, bounced off the far side median, and then wound up drivers-side-perpendicular to traffic on our side, which is when she first got hit. It was honestly the scariest experience of my life and I can't believe we didn't hit anything. It goes to show the importance of paying attention and not tailgating, because if M had glanced at the radio for even a second - he may not have seen her when he did, and may not have had enough time to react. 

I received a call from the first state trooper on the scene yesterday, since I provided all my contact information to dispatch. He called and took M and I's statement for a "possible prosecution"- possible, because they're obviously still conducting an investigation. When asked whether everyone was ok, he told us all he could say is that "It looks like everyone will live." I know that of 2 of the 4 vehicles, everybody inside was talking and walking around. The man in the light tan car seemed very rattled but I believe got out of his car at some point and was "ok".. the woman who apparently caused the accident was breathing (according to the nurse) but M said it looked like she was in bad shape. So, we'll see if anything else comes of it.. I'm just glad it wasn't worse for everybody else involved. 


 W I S H I N G 

That this weekend was another 4 day weekend.

 L O V I N G 

that I'm feeling otherwise rested after a long weekend, and that we've settled on a paint color for the exterior updates. STAY TUNED for that! Hoping to get it done within the next week or 2.

 W A N T I N G 

Dinner. Depo prep got the best of me this morning and I had popcorn for lunch (super healthy, I know).

 F E E L I N G 

So grateful for an overall fantastic weekend. We attended Leah's beautiful wedding and reception, had friends over for dinner, went hiking at a state park with M's sister which was followed by lunch on a patio in Stillwater- easily one of my favorite places ever, still visiting with Lo and Jess and Syndal after the accident, and then had my brother over for dinner Monday night. It was the perfect mix of family and friends, and has me feeling recharged for the short week ahead. Some more snaps from the weekend:

I feel stupid and somewhat forced into the following disclaimer, which should be obvious- but I was obviously mindful of the reason for the 3-day weekend.. and as another blogger put it so eloquently, it was not a weekend to celebrate all service members. While it's a noble and important thing to want to celebrate, that's Veteran's Day. Yesterday was about paying respects to those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.. and who have paid for our freedom with their life. That reason was not lost on me- as I drove by Fort Snelling and looked out at the expanse of white tombstones, my grandfather among them. Fortunately he did not need to give his life in service to our country to be buried there, but I'm aware that so many are not so lucky. Thank you to those families who lend us their sons and daughters and parents and uncles so that we can enjoy the life we do.

PHOTO AN HOUR

This is another thing I've seen floating around on blogs that I always thought would be kind of fun to do- because if you're anything like me (read: nosy as hell) you wonder what it is people DO all day at their jobs. 

Two problems arose with my attempts at the project: First, I never remembered or thought about it until like.. 2:00 p.m., or driving home from work. Derp, too late. Second, I don't think I realized until today how little that I can photograph during the day- not only from a "I sit at a desk all day, this is kind of dull" perspective but from a, "I have to make sure there is NOTHING in the photo that even hints at a client's case or client's name." (Whether or not you've realized I've tried to make a concerted effort to keep my job, however interesting it may be at times, OFF the blog. It's just too blurry a line, and I would never want my clients- or potential future employers- to see me writing about them). 

Anyway, without further ado, here's my photo an hour project from 5.14.14: 

7:00 AM // It finally occurs to me to start taking photos early enough to do this project. Yay! Today was a "gym day" so it began earlier than usual.

8:00 AM // Getting ready at the gym after my run.. which I actually enjoy immensely. I find it very therapeutic to be around a lot of other people getting ready as well. 

9:00 AM // I've just gotten to work not too long ago, and settle in for the day. This means reviewing my "to do" list for the week, a fresh cup of coffee, and booting up the computer. 

10:00 AM // One of the paralegals tells me that my boss wants to get one of our cases sued out today in Spokane County, Washington. Good thing the Summons and Complaint has been drafted for months! Pro Hac Vice papers (so I'm able to practice in Washington State) have to wait until we find out who defense counsel will be.. but those are ready as well.

11:00 AM // I finish drafting a Position Paper for our settlement ALJ (Administrative Law Judge) in another one of my cases. This is for a sort of mediation we will have in the coming weeks. It's very confidential though, so not even a snippit for you. ;-). [and no my signature is not just "Kelly B.".. all pertinent information was scrubbed there, as well, for the photo]. 

12:00 PM // Lunch of champions, le duh. I do some internet browsing during this time as well. 

1:00 PM // I've earned a Special K bar dessert from the restaurant in the building.. riding down the elevator. 

2:00 PM // Need to pull an expense report of all attorney's fees and costs to date for our mediation statement and realized I haven't entered time in this case since July 2013. CRAP. Spend the next hour doing this. 

3:00 PM // Give statement to boss to review. He gets about 2 pages in and gives up, per usual, and begins suggesting changes that are actually on pages 3, 4, 5. Hand it off to another associate to do some real fine-tooth-combing it. Desk also begins to look like a disaster as the day goes on. 

4:00 PM // But is it time to go home yet...? 

5:00 PM // TIME TO GO HOME! YAY! Oh and some art that I haven't gotten around to hanging yet. 

6:00 PM // Today after work I headed over to my dad's to wait for him to get off work- my dad, brother and I are taking my mom's mom out for a belated mother's day dinner. Hanging out with ma squish in the meantime. 

7:00 PM // Sitting down for dinner at this hole-in-the-wall supper club out by grandma's. She's been going there for decades. 

8:00 PM // Finally piling to the car after dinner.. in which my brother compared oysters to boogers and we all laughed hysterically for 10 minutes. 

9:00 PM // home to put on sweat pants..TJ is extra meowy this evening so I check his auto feeder and it's empty. I THINK that means he's telling me he didn't get his dinner, but he could be lying. Settle on giving him 1/2 a dinner portion since he usually gets some treats before bed. 

9:30- crawl in to bed to edit blogs, snoozing by 10. 

That was a rather typical day-in-the-life! 

SUNDAY CURRENTLY // VOL. 2

 L I S T E N I N G  

To M's country Spotify playlist on the speakers and the cars driving by outside... as well as the occasional squeak from TJ who is busy dashing from window to window.

 T H I N K I N G 

What a perfect day today was: up early, grabbed coffee and went on a walk out at Burwell Park in Minnetonka. Followed that up with brunch at People's Organic across the street, a stop at Home Depot for flowers for our window boxes, and some gardening. We planned meals for the week, went to the grocery store, and stopped at Costco for the front door mat. Just finished mowing down some chips and homemade salsa and enjoying a cocktail. I have country on the speakers and a kitty in my lap..my feet tucked behind M's back, on the couch. Doesn't get much better. :)

 S M E L L I N G 

Remnants from our smoky salsa verde that M and I made for a salsa competition on Friday (that we WON, BOOYA!). We just housed a bowlful and it's sitting on the coffee table. Nom.

 W I S H I N G 

That we had just one more day before the work week. BUT this week should be a short-ish one.. I have Leah's wedding Friday (and am getting sworn in to the federal bar of MN that morning!)

{how I woke up Friday.. tootie spooning}

 H O P I N G 

We get Italy booked sooner rather than later. We've been busy but need to stop making excuses or we will never be going. We also have a tentative trip to Tacoma planned for July that we need to actually book. M's family has a 100th birthday/reunion for his great uncle, so we're making the trek to explore the area and visit.

 L O V I N G 

The flowers we planted in our window boxes and our new doormat. It's amazing what a few tiny things can do to really boost your curb appeal. :) aannnnddd that it was finally WARM and sunny in MN today! A rare combination as of late.


 W A N T I N G 

Someone else to make dinner. Or maybe we just eat more chips and salsa.... :-/?!

 F E E L I N G 

Content. and a little sleepy.

 C L I C K I N G  

THIS video. Hilarious, but also TERRIFYING- Pretty sure I'd have peed my pants.

SPRING TO DO LIST // AND AN AWESOME PAINTING TOOL

This is our house.
Fear not, we do not have a heart plaque above the mailbox. That would be where the address is, le duh. Although I don't think I've ever really said what city I live in, let alone my street, one can never be too careful. ;)
We toured this house in April 2011, and it was the first of the day. We eventually went on to tour another house that we put an offer in on, and lost. When that fell through, we started thinking about this little guy again...and I'll be perfectly honest in saying one of the things that made it so easy to overlook initially was some of their heinous paint decisions. (Including the burnt orange kitchen with red-toned cabinets and forest green counters..and the fact that almost every room on the first floor was painted the same shade of brown...aside from the bathroom, which was a two tone poopy disaster).

We've slowly painted every.single.room. in the house (minus the master) but the last and perhaps the most daunting is the exterior paint. Initially I hated both the brown and the red. The above photo makes it look quaint-my cousin who shoots for City Pages took it in 2012 on Mother's Day, so it was on its best behavior. It being the house. But in reality, the brown is a chalky non-brown, brown. Also, I'm not sure if I'd hate the red as much if they hadn't painted the gutters and ALL OF THE TRIM red. It looks like a child's doll house.

I'd be lying if I said it hasn't grown on me a little.. but with the itch to take on a larger home project has come the itch to finally do away with the chalky brown.
There's been a trend in our area of DARK grey houses with a so-dark-it-looks-black navy blue trim/shutters (I knew no matter the color I always wanted to add shutters at some point).

I was wondering if there was a janky way to photoshop so I could experiment with colors when I googled "exterior paint color visualizer" and up came the most brilliant (no this is not sponsored but I still almost peed my pants) tool from Sherwin Williams called the Color Visualizer.

Not only can you photoshop on exterior (and interior!) colors to your heart's content, but once you paint the color on, after a second or two, the details of the exterior of your house show through. Meaning it's not like a giant chunk of color like it would be in MS Paint. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever.
I spent a good portion of last night tinkering with different combinations. Here were some of my contenders:

Although I kind of liked the teal triangle above the door in the above photo, M wasn't a fan.
I also realize this color could look outdated really quick so after I came up with the following combination, I think we found a winner: 

To keep the house from looking TOO "Pleasantville" We can add some more color with plants in the window boxes.
I also may drive around and see what the houses in our area do in terms of matching window boxes with shutters and the different colored pitched triangle (which actually seems to be pretty popular) to see if maybe I should work in a 3rd complimentary color somewhere, still. The door is also red, so I'll definitely be repainting that but that will absolutely be some sort of a brighter color!

We also want to strip and stain the deck this summer... since the previous owners used some terrible paint-stain hybrid..which means the deck has been CHIPPING since we moved in and now is greyed and patchy and awful. It'll be a bitch of a project, but it needs to be done.

Home ownership: it ain't all fun and games, people.

SUNDAY CURRENTLY: VOL. 1

HEY! Wait! Yes, you're in the right spot. 
I decided to give Kelly B. J.D. a little face lift this weekend. It's still not perfect, but it's a good start. :) I changed up the layout, updated my profile photo, added some social media buttons, and updated my "About Me" a little bit. 

So, click around! 

I also am instituting a new weekly (I hope) program here that I've borrowed from Daci's blog- although I've seen versions of it elsewhere. It's called the Sunday Currently . I figured it was a neat, semi-brainless [read as: there's prompts to follow] way to chronicle my weekend and other random tidbits. I figure this is something I can keep up with easier on Sundays than a traditional weekend update. I'll still do those on occasion as well. 

 R E A D I N G  

If we're being honest, I got 4/5 the way through Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell Smith and  haven't been able to finish it. I bought it under the pretense that it would be about how she coped with the loss of both of her parents. I came dangerously close to losing both of mine in the last 6 months, and I bought it right after my mom passed away. Well, ostensibly it was about how to cope with loss but really it involved a whole lot of sex with people and boyfriend issues. Not slut shaming her by any means, and I understand it was how she coped.. but I didn't find it particularly helpful for me. Of course I realize I bought a memoir and not a self-help book, but I expected a little more insight. I hate not finishing things so I'm sure I'll finish it. 

On deck: Reconstructing Amelia, which I've heard good things about.


 W R I T I N G  

This blog post, but not a whole lot else.
Actually, I've also been writing in my grief journal a little bit. It's nice to get out the things that I really just don't feel like hashing out with anyone else. M included. Sometimes you just don't want feedback, ya know? Not only are they deeply personal thoughts, but my relationship with my mom was really complex. I just don't think anyone will be able to say anything that helps, with some of this stuff.

 L I S T E N I N G  

Watching, really: Law & Order SVU. My kryptonite. Listening to the rain fall as well. It's so cliche but there's nothing I love more, sound-wise.

 T H I N K I N G  

How nice Friday and Saturday were. Friday was spent tinkering with the blog layout and enjoying a Crispin. Saturday morning I received my first ever balyage treatment (spoiler: it's just like foils minus the foils) and went Ombre. I'm usually scared of change too drastic but I fear I oversold my emphasis on "subtle" and it almost barely looks as though I got anything done. Womp. Maybe this time I'll listen with the recommended "8 week follow up" and go even lighter for the rest of the summer. 


 S M E L L I N G 

Fresh rain and my coconut milk mango candle from Anthro. Heavenly.



 L O V I N G 

The breeze coming in through the open windows (and as I'm writing, a light rain. Is there anything better than the smell of a spring rain?) After the impossibly cold, and snowy, and all around miserable winter... it really felt like Minnesota would never experience warmth again. Windows open at nearly 9 p.m. means it's finally maybe here to stay.

 W A N T I N G 

Mother's Day to be over. I'm sure that feeling will change.. some day. Maybe even next year. But all today is, is a really uncomfortable reminder of what I don't have. Plus, it's so recent, that everybody is most definitely still giving me "dead mother eyes"... which are not my favorite.

 F E E L I N G  

A little nauseaous. [NOnotpregnantkthanksBAI]. I'm convinced I have the most sensitive stomach on the planet. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to what sets it off and makes me feel gross. Well, with the exception of dairy since I'm convinced that although undiagnosed, I'm lactose intolerant. Woof.  

 C L I C K I N G  

The MN Wild Twitter page. I haven't been watching the game tonight (perhaps I fear watching the loss...? :-/) but aside from the scream/grunt I heard when the Wild scored, M has been awfully quiet whilst watching. I just learned the score is 2-1 Blackhawks. He's watching in bed, which means the bed is not a safe place... lest the Wild score again and he fist-pump me onto the floor.