M and I had a great weekend overall.. and I'll be back tomorrow to write about that (hopefully).
I had an unexpected (but really, looking back on it-- not that surprising) moment Saturday night. It was related to my mom.
We were driving to McDonald's to get milk shakes after dinner and I don't even know if something was said or if it was just the realization that I was surrounded by M's family, it was the day before Easter (which, with the exception of the last 2 years-- we ALWAYS spent with my mom's family), our first holiday without her, my dad was in New York, and my mom was dead but I had this moment where I heard her laugh and voice just saying "oh yeah?" (something I swear she said all the time) and I started to lose it in the car. I really haven't cried like that in weeks. I held it together to order and get back to the house because I HATTEEEE crying in front of people and would just rather not. I even put on makeup and eye drops to conceal the aftermath and joined the conversation for all of 10 minutes before giving up, putting my PJ's on, and writing in my grief journal and letting some more tears fall.
Like I wrote about before.. M came in and saw me upset and panicked and asked what was wrong and.. ugh, it just seemed so obvious to me and I know I shouldn't have been rude about it but all I could muster was "what do you think." and he still of course didn't know because there's no obvious link to anyone else. I think I finally choked out some form of "tomorrow is Easter and my mom is dead." He crawled into bed and just hugged me until I pulled it together a bit more.
It surprised me. Mostly because I have felt SO totally fine the last few weeks. Like, SO fine that I feel guilty I'm not MORE sad about it, and find myself wondering if that means something that I'm not. I'm starting to wonder if I hadn't been a bit shell shocked the last 2 months (god..has it nearly been that long..?). I KNEW this would be "the first holiday without" but for whatever reason, I underestimated how hard it'd be. It's not Christmas or Thanksgiving.. the 2 holidays that really seem to carry more emotional weight than most.. so I figured it'd be an easier "first" to experience.
Turns out you can't really plan grief.