M and I had a great weekend overall.. and I'll be back tomorrow to write about that (hopefully).
I had an unexpected (but really, looking back on it-- not that surprising) moment Saturday night. It was related to my mom.
We were driving to McDonald's to get milk shakes after dinner and I don't even know if something was said or if it was just the realization that I was surrounded by M's family, it was the day before Easter (which, with the exception of the last 2 years-- we ALWAYS spent with my mom's family), our first holiday without her, my dad was in New York, and my mom was dead but I had this moment where I heard her laugh and voice just saying "oh yeah?" (something I swear she said all the time) and I started to lose it in the car. I really haven't cried like that in weeks. I held it together to order and get back to the house because I HATTEEEE crying in front of people and would just rather not. I even put on makeup and eye drops to conceal the aftermath and joined the conversation for all of 10 minutes before giving up, putting my PJ's on, and writing in my grief journal and letting some more tears fall.
Like I wrote about before.. M came in and saw me upset and panicked and asked what was wrong and.. ugh, it just seemed so obvious to me and I know I shouldn't have been rude about it but all I could muster was "what do you think." and he still of course didn't know because there's no obvious link to anyone else. I think I finally choked out some form of "tomorrow is Easter and my mom is dead." He crawled into bed and just hugged me until I pulled it together a bit more.
It surprised me. Mostly because I have felt SO totally fine the last few weeks. Like, SO fine that I feel guilty I'm not MORE sad about it, and find myself wondering if that means something that I'm not. I'm starting to wonder if I hadn't been a bit shell shocked the last 2 months (god..has it nearly been that long..?). I KNEW this would be "the first holiday without" but for whatever reason, I underestimated how hard it'd be. It's not Christmas or Thanksgiving.. the 2 holidays that really seem to carry more emotional weight than most.. so I figured it'd be an easier "first" to experience.
Turns out you can't really plan grief.
Hugs and love!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs...so sorry. Death is hard but so is the grieving process...know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI really wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it really just gets different. I can go months without crying over my dad and then something random happens and I break down. It's been 15 years. There is not a day where I do not think of my dad and the grief is still there, but it's changed now. I can relate to what you are going through and my thoughts are with you!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Kelly....
ReplyDeletebig hugs friend.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I'm so sorry. Grief SUCKS. It is the worst. I experience it now in infertility/miscarriage, but have also experienced it with people i love dying. (Not a parent, though... I can only imagine.) It is so strange how it just pops out of nowhere. I am fine a lot of the time through miscarriage/infertility and then out of nowhere will just LOSE IT. And i want my husband to know why. I think by now he can just assume that's what it's about? I don't know. I know you got a good guy, i'm sure he understands that you don't mean to have attitude. It's just that it's so hard to SAY what's wrong when you don't even know where it came from. Would be so much easier if they just *knew*, ya know?!
ReplyDeletePraying for you.
Ugh. I'm so sorry friend!! :(
ReplyDeleteoh girl, this post. WOOF. And why do husbands seriously have NO CLUE when it is just beyond crystal-clear that of course I miss MY MOM AND HOW CAN YOU NOT GET THAT?! It doesn't matter if I'm looking at nail polish or deciding if my face is symmetrical enough for bangs or WHAT EVER. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteIt just sucks. Sucks a big one. Hugs. And eventually it won't feel quite so hard. I went to my dads alone on Easter because the husband had a headache.... totally sucked when I pulled away because I knew he would be all alone for a while. Ugh. The guilt sucks too.
Oh my friend. I am sorry you're dealing with any of this. Glad you have M to hug and love you when this happens. Heck, I'd even hug you if I was there.
ReplyDeleteLove you, friend. Sometimes you just have to let it out... even when it's not a good time (is there ever a GOOD time?). That M is a good guy. And I'm with Lo, I'd totes hug you if I was there, too.
ReplyDeleteAw. Just as you have said before it hits in the most weird of times and you are right, you can't plan grief or really anything for that matter. You never know what life will throw at you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis is yet another beautiful (as beautiful as grief can be), honest post about grief. It's so true...it can just hit you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. It gets a little bit easier...or at least easier to manage. Peace and prayers to you.
ReplyDelete