Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Fight or Flight

Last year around this time, I had a fairly interesting conversation with a group of my friends about a topic I was abruptly reminded of last night..and thought it may make for a good story/opinion poll from you fine folk.
What would you do if you thought you heard someone in your house?
Hopefully all of you are lucky enough to have never had your house broken into while you're home.. but I KNOW all ya'll have a "plan" in your head about what you'd do if it happened. and I KNOW most of you have "thought" you've heard something which resulted in an ultimately futile attempt to implement the "plan" ... amiright??
I've always SAID my plan was to quietly roll off the bed (so if they came upstairs they couldn't see me..since my side is furthest from the door) hide under the cover overhang, and quietly dial 9-1-1. Our house is old, so if I even stepped out of bed, said robbers would know that there was someone home because you can hear it downstairs.
M has always said his plan is to go downstairs and kick some ass.
See? I flight, he fights.
Well, having a cat who likes to cause a ruckus at night, we've had quite a few opportunities to practice implementing our burglar-plan. Last night, being a prime example of them. I'll tell you how it went, and also leave commentary about how if it were a real burglar, we'd all be dead:
laying in bed last night, we hear what sounds like people talking...and INSIDE the house. (we later learned it was the cat in the middle of some wheezing/coughing/"almost barfing but not quite" fit...he's a peach)
I'm putzing on my cell phone and stare at M, he says "did you hear that?" (the 'real' burglar downstairs now has notice that there are people in the house after hearing our voices, and in my world, is now sitting at the bottom of the stairs with a .22 waiting to take us out one by one. Yes, I watch too many crime shows, thanks for asking)
So M creeps out of bed and reaches for the shotgun he keeps under the bed (I realize on some level this is "practical" but, I hate it. because usually it's our cat. and I don't need him blowing the cat away on accident.)
I see what he's doing and say "DON'T YOU DARE. It's probably TJ and I don't need you shooting him." (This is where the REAL burglar would be laughing because, well, now we're unarmed. and dead.)
Instead of staying safely upstairs, I always have 9-1-1 pulled up on my cell phone (yes, EVERY TIME we hear a noise...again..too many crime shows) and slowly creep behind M towards the stairs. Usually this involves me hanging my head over the bookshelf/railing thing, whispering to him "do you see anything?" (BAM, M's dead. Then I don't have enough time to call 9-1-1 before the guy shoots me too. This is why I need to stick to the damn plan.)
so that's how this routine goes down, usually 2-3 times a month..because my cat is a lunatic. He's been known to launch himself onto one of the chairs in the living room, which lifts it up a little bit and causes a "BANG" when it comes back down.
It didn't help to hear my co-worker and neighbor tell us that the house across the street from him got broken into in the middle of the day a week or two ago. I've been a bit edgy since then.
I do prefer HIS described method of dealing with potential intruders. He told me this after he told me about the break-in, and I laughed, but it's kind of practical. and awesome. He told me if he ever legitimately thought there was someone in his house at night, that he keeps a gun next to his bed and that he'd sit at the top of the stairs, cock his gun, and scream "I HAVE A GUN. I'VE CALLED THE COPS. IF YOU TRY TO COME UP HERE I WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF."
I seriously cracked up, but I mean.. think about it: what kind of ballsy burglar is REALLY going to test that theory out?
SO, what is your theoretical "panic plan" in event of a burglar?
Got any funny stories about pets alarming you?


  1. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG. Dying. I think about this too, but only on nights when I'm home alone. NOT fun. :) I have a feeling I'd be like you... hide and call 911!

  2. Um what's my plan before or after I soil my pants? Ha! We lived on the edge of NOMI (North Mpls) before moving to Woodbury, and did have our property broken into (our cars twice and garage once--buh bye Crate and Barrell wedding gifts). I am all about responsible gun ownership, but also know that I probably shouldn't have one in my procession. Because in a fit of fear I'd end up harming myself or one of the dogs. Jesse does own a softball bat, though. And when we lived in NOMI he slept with it by his side. The night we heard gunshots being fired outside our home (it was later confirmed that our neighbors were dealing the drugs), Jesse walked out there with the baseball bat, all ready to attack. Yeah, good luck with that theory. Guns > softball bats. Oh and to make this comment even longer. I went to hang out with our old neighbor the other night and apparently the couple that lives in our old place just had someone attempt to break in while they were home. Clearly I'm a glutton for punishment, because I still miss our place....buuuut I'm kinda glad we weren't living there when that happened.

  3. Hilarious. Luckily my sweet cop boyfriend is mildly obsessed with firearms and not only wears his "concealed" on his waist but sleeps with it on the nightstand (try waking up to that in the morning :-/).

    I feel like he'd beat the sh*t out of someone or just blow their brains out. But being alone/living with Grandma in a rather questionable hood, I haven't really thought about what I'd actually do. Besides cry?

    I actually thought about a similar situation as far as being mugged - what would I do? I think about that more often, actually. That's scary, too.

    1. Oh john. hahaha. I could totally see him blowing someone away. actually, no I couldn't. John with a gun still makes me giggle a little bit.

    2. It makes me giggle all of the time, also when he says things like "today I work I threw a 300 pound man to the ground". Wut? O_o

  4. Unfortunately, I had an intruder in my house when I got home one evening when I was in college. My roommates and I went to get fast food and we came home to eat it and after we were done eating, we heard a bedroom door creak open and out comes a man, wrapped up in my roommates comforter. SCARIEST thing I've ever encountered. We all just froze and sat there on the couch and watched him walk out the front door. Never thought that would be my reaction to a burglar, but you never know what you'll do until you're in the situation. Since then, I have become super paranoid about everything and I'd like to think I'm a fighter now :)) Hopefully you'll never have to test it out in real life!

    1. OH MY GOD. I would die. That's the thing though, by the time you process "this is really happening" sometimes, it's already over. bluaahhhh, that gave me the heebie jeebies.

  5. LOL, hilarious!

    I like to think that I would have an awesome plan if that were to happen, but in all seriousness, I would end up wetting myself and running around like a crazy person to try to protect my kid and fur babies.