Losing my sanity

When did I last post? the 5th? Well, it's the 9th, and I have no idea where those days went. I do know I spent one in an emo tailspin after seeing the results of the simulated bar exam we took. The good news is, I picked up this bad boy:

It's official! I have my J.D. :-) Guys, real talk, this test fucking sucks. Pardon my french. Rational me knows that I'm doing okay, and that given the fact that I did not study a LICK outside of going to lectures, I didn't do that abysmally on the simulated test, and going into it I KNEW I wouldn't do that well- but that it'd serve as a foundation for the areas I needed the most work in. Hormonal me took one look at that score, and the percentile I fell in (as compared to the whole country) and lost.my.shit. I may or may not have then gotten my period the next day, which likely explains it better, but zomg.

About a week into studying someone posted this article on twitter: Ten things you will do while studying for the bar. Take a gander, at least at the headings. It's funny, but mostly funny because it's true. I didn't fully appreciate that until this weekend.  So far I think I've accomplished 1, 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10. Our lecturer today (as does the article I posted) both mentioned "people telling you that you will pass".... which will make you stabby. It's so true. This is not to say I'm not grateful for the unwavering support and encouragement of my loved ones and non-lawyer friends, (and once I'm removed from this test I'm sure I'll be even MORE grateful) but it really and truly is one of those "you don't understand unless you experience it" things. Every time someone tries to tell me "I'll be fine" or "ohhhh you'll pass no problem!" I feel my blood boil. At the same time, if someone were to tell me, "retaking it isn't the worst thing in the world" I may actually take a swing at them. There's really nothing good to say in terms of encouragement either way that won't annoy a bar-exam studier. Or that may just be me. Also? Perhaps even WORSE for me: the attorneys at my firm telling me how they studied, or didn't study (and drank and golfed, in the case of one of them), or how "you've never failed anything in your life, you're not going to fail this test, it's not that bad!"

shut up. is what I want to say. 

It's just the honest truth. Oh, sure Mr. partner who makes 6 figures and took the exam DECADES ago and probably had a job lined up for him, sure, it's not so bad. SHUT UP.

I realize this whole post makes me sound like an ungrateful twat, but I'm just being real. Maybe saying things like "good luck!" or "I'll be thinking of you!" are better? Who knows. I feel like I'm living in an emotional glass house. One minute I get a simulated exam essay question back (did good on! For having not studied at all) and am positive, then I take some multiple choice questions and tank, and I'm back to square one. 

The good news for you guys is this: emo, whiner, debbie-downer Kelly will only be residing around here for 2 more weeks. The bad news for me is: OMGIONLYHAVE2MOREWEEKS. 

but seriously, for you and me both I'm praying that I don't have to do this twice. woof.

(super sweet customized art that M's mom got for me at the Hopkins art fair! Can't wait until I have an office to hang it in!)

This little guy is sick of it too, as you can tell.

These two have both been a god send throughout this process (woah, does that sound dramatic or what).. but really. It does help me keep things in perspective that after all, it IS just a test, and I have a lot of really great things in my life right now :)