5 more days.

Oh hi. I'm still alive. 

I'm still reading your blogs... I swear. It's the only thing keeping me moderately sane in the mornings. I zip through a lot of them though because then around 10 I usually feel the "OMGWHATHAVEIBEENDOING" guilt of not studying for that hour. 

Holed up at the library.. per usual. I've determined Corporations is the one topic I will just never really feel confident with. So many of these subject areas anger me. Not anger me on principal, but in the fact that they even test us on them. 

Family law. Um, what? SO specialized. Unless I practice IN FAMILY LAW that is not something general lawyers should need to know about. Forget the fact that it's the easiest subject on the test. 

Income tax. Again, what? Hi, that's what turbotax is for. Just kidding. But really.... tax isn't as bad as I was braced for. I never took tax in school, and my brain doesn't process business-related law very well, at all.. so I was dreading this. Not so bad, have my flash cards down cold. 

Lets see... I waffle back and forth with how I'm feeling. Here's a glimpse into an hour of my day. 

"Memorizing flashcards. not so bad! I know this stuff!" 

10 minutes later 

"wait... why did I just get 5 of the 10 practice questions I did wrong? OMGIAMGOINGTOFAIL"

10 minutes later

"AH! 5 in a row right! I'm a GENIUS! ACING THIS SHIT!" 

10 minutes later 

"wait a minute. That sample answer is wrong.... ((consults outline book)) OMG it's wrong. It's the sample though? Mkay, I don't trust anything that sample answer said anymore. Moving on."

10 minutes later

"what is that guy outside doing? is he stretching? Why is he wearing a pink shirt?" 

10 minutes later 

"OMGIKNOWNOTHINGABOUTESTATESANDTRUSTS" 

10 minutes later

"OMG. I got EVERY SINGLE ISSUE on this Estates and Trusts essay right! BRILLIANT." 

and so on. and so on. and so on. 

It's SUCH a mindfuck. 

in 5 days it'll be over. That both feels like a nanoseconds worth of time away, and an eternity. I'm really looking forward to reclaiming my life after the test. I'm DREADING the 2 and a half MONTH wait to score release. 8th amendment cruel and unusual punishment WHAT. exactly. 

My top 2 fears:

1) studying as hard as I felt like I could and not passing. I wouldn't even know where to start.

2) trying to muster the stamina to do this again. I have never studied so much in my life. Go on, throw a tomato, but school...even law school... wasn't really that hard for me 85% of the time. 

Will I be embarrassed if I fail? Sure, for a little bit. But it's not THAT uncommon. There are plenty of smart people that fail, and plenty of idiots that pass. Which is why this test is stupid. Mostly it's the 2 things I laid out above. OH and 3) telling people I failed. I know, I KNOW there's no shame if it happens. It's hard. BUT, I've never failed a test in my life. not the ACT, not the LSAT (entrance test for law school), not my drivers test, not the MPRE (ethics test for law school). Ok, half lie. My LSAT was awful, but I still got IN despite that. This test is it. There's no personal statement/GPA/legacy student bonus to save me. 

and the most terrifying and exciting thing of all: this is the culmination of EVERYTHING I have EVER wanted in my ENTIRE life. I've wanted to be a lawyer since I was in 4th grade. The idea that it all comes down to this both terrifies and thrills me. Thrills because it's almost OVER, I'm almost THERE. Terrified because it's a lot of pressure for a lifetimes worth of hopes and dreams to hinge on one stupid test. 

Don't misinterpret my rant here. I'm not operating wholly under the "OMG I am going to bomb" mantra. 75% of the time I'm actually moderately confident about it. I DO think a bit of healthy fear is necessary. Keeps me respecting the test.. which I think is the perfect way to describe it. 

Anyway, off to join my dad and M at my dad's best friends' birthday party. I wasn't going to go, but I honestly can't stare at another corporations flashcard for a second longer. 

Exhibit A: 

peace out. see you all on the other side.

Kelly