MY TEN YEAR REUNION AND A LOT OF FEELINGS I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD.

{my alma matter}

Earlier this week I got the notification in the mail that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up this fall.

High school, according to many, is supposed to be the best time of your life. I have mostly fond memories of high school, in that it wasn't overly difficult for me, but I certainly wouldn't categorize it as the pinnacle of my youth either. I was awkward, shy, lacked self-confidence, and never really felt at home with any particular group of people.

I had friends (a lot from other area schools), I was busy and social during those four years. I was friends with a few girls who floated between groups, and who seemed effortlessly cool- which left me feeling like the nerdy side-kick. I remember driving around after football games with them as they got texts from guys who I fawned over, asking what their ("our") plans were for the evening and having borderline fan-girl moments thinking it was possible I'd get to hang out with ((insert hot-guy-of-the-month's name here)) and his friends, or even better upperclassmen.

I cringe writing these things out now because it just sounds so sad.  I'm fairly certain I project my current feelings, as a significantly more confident version of myself,  onto the 2005 version of myself.  That version of myself didn't know who she was or where she fit in. She always dressed a little "off" from what was actually cool at the time, and didn't learn how to effectively use a hair straightener until sometime in 2007. Here's the thing: nobody ever made me feel left out as I was experiencing these things. If I was secretly being made fun of behind my back all those years I had no idea. Like I said, high school was fine for me, but when I spend any amount of time looking back and analyzing who I really was back then, I recognize myself as someone who was not totally happy, or secure in herself.. and it brings up all sorts of retroactive feelings I didn't know I had.

I spent some time tonight scrolling through the people who have been accepted into the reunion group on Facebook..often times clicking on images of new married names to try to figure out who from the class of 2005 I was looking at. I thought about who those people were back then, my very ambiguous self-imposed definitions of who they were and what groups they ran with. While I'm sure everyone is 'different' in the vaguest sense of the word, I spent more time wondering about those individuals who seem so very different: the quiet 'nerdier' girls, the ones who have lost a ton of weight, the ones who have mastered a makeup brush.  It's not even so much those superficial attributes I notice, but the confidence- the change in attitude. This is perhaps the case because I identify with them the most.

I find myself wondering what people think of me- am I looked at and pigeonholed as the 2005 version of myself? What did they identify that version as, even? Do people even remember me? It's probably time to mention that I currently am friends (as in, see on a semi-regular social basis) with absolutely no one I graduated high school with. I do have some friends today that I picked up in that time period, or knew in childhood, but didn't graduate with. This has been a source of anxiety, self-doubt, and remorse for me for years. Like I said, I had friends in high school- that was never the problem. The problem was that I didn't know who I was. I floated between groups, more concerned with having weekend plans than gaining the confidence to form and carry through deep meaningful relationships to where I am today. In some respects, the same can be said for college- a place I also escaped with fair enough memories and absolutely nobody who I see on a consistent basis (or any basis) today. The reasons looked different, but I'm just now realizing the root was the same. I tended to follow guys around, and formed my social groups based on who I was pursuing that year. I can see it plainly when I look back, year-to-year. My junior and senior year were predominantly the same group of friends. My junior year I was dating one of that group, senior year I wasn't. So my time was spent between that old group and my new boyfriend. I realize now that my actions again stemmed from a fundamental lack of confidence in who I was and feelings of inadequacy in terms of my intimate relationships. I poured myself into those relationships, at the expense of my plutonic ones, because of this insecurity.

I often found (and still find) myself wondering what I did wrong to go through 4 years of high school, and 4 years of college, the "best" years, with very little to show for it in terms of relationships. It wasn't until recently, maybe even getting that reunion letter, that I think I understand why. While both of those times were happy enough for me, it's got everything to do with the me now not loving or wanting to be identified with the me then. I'm embarrassed at the way, or the lack of the way, I fought for relationships back then. For my lack of confidence. I think subconsciously, being around those people and those memories brings me back to that version of me.

I honestly wouldn't self-identify as confident, or comfortable in who I am, until early 2010. I don't feel like the same person that I was in high school. OK that's a lie, I think my personality is largely the same, but it's blossomed. I pursued a career choice that gave me extremely higher levels of confidence and found a partner that never knew the "dorkier" (I'm absolutely still a dork) or less confident version of myself. He's helped me by letting me be the version of myself I always wanted to be.

Jury's out on whether I'll attend the reunion. If I do go, it won't be to prove anything to anyone. It may be to redeem, in some small way, the way I feel about those 4 fleeting years and the 2005 version of myself.