During my mom's lifetime.. I understood there were just things we couldn't do.
We couldn't easily go for walks.
I never went to the mall with just her to pick out clothes.
We never had solo lunch or dinner dates (early on because I didn't see the value in these things as a teenager, then was gone for college, and later because I couldn't physically transfer her alone).
I knew as her disease progressed there would be even more limited opportunities and that as the doors to these facets of normal relationships closed.. they would never open again.
I really didn't start to feel the loss of that acutely until this past Mother's day.
It was difficult to put my finger on, but I started to feel really sad about the relationship I never had with her, not in the "I wish we were closer" way (although that's intertwined) but the things we just physically could never do with each other.
As people announce pregnancies and plan for babies and talk about how instrumental their own mothers have been; what a constant source of knowledge and support they've been.. it fills me with an incredible sadness. Even if my mom were alive and I were giving birth tomorrow (no, not pregnant), she would not have been in a position to thoughtfully answer questions about, "OMG I'm having a kid, what do I do." It's just how it was towards the end. It's difficult to even explain, but cognitively she was very hit-or-miss: some days she could tell stories about her dad, other times you'd ask a question and the answers wouldn't make sense. So while I'm not as sad for missing the way it would have gone in reality, I'm sad for the way it would have never even been to begin with.
Even if she hadn't died, I never would have had that mother-daughter-grandmother relationship with her. That's reality, and it seems so fucking unfair. I can wish her back to life (and while her body would be here and she'd still have facets of the personality that made her who she was), it wouldn't change a ton for the better.
That's the part of it that's hitting me now, and that's the part that's hardest to live with.