In honor of the fact that I actually dragged myself out of bed this morning to go to the gym (for some reason it's been terribly difficult lately) I thought I'd share this super helpful post I've had drafted.
It's called, what not to do at the gym (but perhaps not what you're expecting it to say):
1. DON'T BITCH ABOUT 'YOUR SPOT' IN GROUP FITNESS
For all you know the person 'taking your spot' has been TERRIFIED of participating in a group fitness class for this very reason and has been avoiding trying one out for weeks. They finally work up the courage and there's the know-it-all gym douche shooting them daggers for stealing their 'spot'- news flash, you don't own shit at the gym, let alone a spot.
2. (on a similar note): DON'T BITCH ABOUT PEOPLE WHO BUMP INTO YOU DURING ZUMBA/BARRE/WHAT-THE-F-EVER CLASS
Again, maybe this is their first class. Maybe you should cut people some slack. Maybe not everyone can hip thrust to the beat JUST.LIKE.YOU. Maybe you are the reason they're scared to try a group fitness class. Maybe you should get over yourself.
3. DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO TEXT ON WORKOUT EQUIPMENT
Maybe they're having a really awful day and needed to talk to someone about it. Maybe they're figuring out logistics for dinner with their husband. WHATEVER the reason, it DOES NOT AFFECT YOU- so stop being an asshole about it.
4. DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE WHO LEAVE THEIR HAIR DOWN
This could be the ONE DAY in their ENTIRE LIFE they forgot a hair binder, but you still take it upon yourself to judge them. Maybe they have a birthmark they're embarrassed of and don't want to put their hair up. Bottom line is- you don't know and again- IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU.
5. DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE FOR WHAT THEY'RE WEARING
So sorry, don't have a trust fund, can't fucking afford a wardrobe packed with neon lululemon. Also, sorry if you think someone is wearing the "wrong type of top" to be wearing for running, I didn't know the gym had a wardrobe police.
6. DON'T TELL PEOPLE THEY'RE "DOING IT WRONG" IF THEY'RE NOT SWEATING
Sorry that you have out of control sweat glands.. but news flash: not EVERYONE sweats like a hog. This does not mean they aren't feeling it in their muscles or they're not working hard. Also, you have NO idea where they're at in their health journey, and you have NO idea how hard that "easy looking workout" may be for them. Come up with a better metric for measuring "gym success", gym douche.
7. COME JANUARY 1, DON'T LOUDLY PROCLAIM THAT YOU CAN'T WAIT UNTIL MARCH WHEN ALL THESE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS "FALL OFF THE WAGON"
There's really not enough acceptable profanity to express how much I want to hold these people underwater when I hear this phrase. People are giving fitness an honest to god run during new years? GOOD FOR THEM. But you, gym douche.. you need to let everyone know YOU'VE been there since last summer. You work out 5 mornings a week and will be here in March when some people lose steam. YOU can go jump off a cliff.
8. (not "gym" related, but work out related): STOP CORRELATING WORKING OUT WITH, "BECAUSE, POOL SEASON!"
News flash: not all women work out to look good in a bikini. I understand that's not the entire reason YOU even work out, so why are we perpetuating that stupid phrase? Want to know the number of times I find myself in a bikini for prolonged periods in the summer? Probably 5. Unless I happen to be at/near some kind of beach vacation. Even then. That was something I found far more common at 22, 23. At 27? Not so much. If you're 27+ and make that a priority? Great! I just don't find myself near water all that often. I work out to feel better, stronger, and oh yeah- because my dad had a major heart attack 6 months ago and the docs said it wasn't diet or exercise, it was his genes. Boom, genetic lottery. (Also, this is a shout out to the people who tell me "you don't even need to work out!" --- I didn't know heart attacks cared about your waistline...#weird).
This post was brought to you by the gym douches: self righteous bitches who lord their health and fitness over you, who act like they own the gym, who bitch about things that DO NOT AFFECT THEM. Am I a perfect gym goer? (WHAT?! You didn't know that I went to the gym about 3-4 times a week? Is it because I don't talk about it EVERY DAY? Weird.) NO. But I do my damndest not to side eye people exhibiting peculiar behavior (of which the bar is VERY high for me, since I am very peculiar) because I sympathize MORE with them, than the gym douche decked out in LuLu. (Obviously I know not everyone in lulu is a gym douche, I'm using it as an exhibit).
When I went to my first Barre Fusion class? I was TERRIFIED. I had SO MUCH anxiety about knowing what to do when I walked in the room, being in the right room, grabbing the right items. I actually got there 25 minutes early, thought I was at the wrong room, asked the help desk, and then THANK GOD set my mat down in the PERFECT spot where the bar was about to be set up so I actually don't think it was super obvious that it was my first class but I was SO scared. I know that sounds idiotic but do you want to know WHY? Because of all the bitches who have ever written a "what not to do at the gym" blog post, like they invented the idea of working out.